It’s Mother’s Day

And I’m a mother.

I found a site that counts the number of days between two specific dates. I input November 1, 2007 and May 12, 2013. Those two dates are significant because November of 2007 is when we first began trying to have kids. Today is May 12, 2013. There have been 2,019 days in between. That’s 288 weeks and 3 days. There have been 4 Mother’s Days in between those two dates. Painful ones. Here’s my journal entry to Jesus from Mother’s Day 2012:

“This is really hard. Mother’s Day is really pushing me over the edge. I fell asleep weeping last night. I need you desperately. It feels like too much. So I cast it on you. I am the epitome of tired and weary.”

It’s interesting reading that in light of this:

Isnt’ it?

I didn’t know last Mother’s Day that THIS Mother’s Day I would be a Momma. To this guy. To my little Liam. I didn’t know his name, his birthdate, or what he would look like. I didn’t know what he would feel like in my arms or smell like as we’re laying cheek to cheek. I didn’t know how it would feel to look him in the eyes and say, “I’m your Momma.” I didn’t know.

But now I do.

Now I know what it’s like to celebrate a Mother’s Day as a mother. And I would say it was worth every tear, every sleepless night, every conversation with God and Jason, every doubt surrendered to the Lord, every fear, and every penny. I have no regrets. I would not do anything differently. THIS is my son.

I am so thankful that I didn’t give up.

I believe that God is sovereign. That in His perfect, infinite wisdom He gifted us with infertility. Then he crossed our paths with embryo adoption. Then He chose a family and a set of embryos for us. Then He had us do the transfers. And then, He choose Liam. To live. To be ours. To be here on the couch with Jason and I. For us to be a family. For Jason to be his dad and for me to be his mom. And the timing was perfect. And the plan was perfect. And it looked nothing like what we would have written for ourselves.

Thank God.

So…as I celebrate, I also think of my friends and readers and others out there still waiting. Still struggling. Still crying themselves to sleep tonight. And I think—do you know Jesus? I hope you do. He’s good. He’s trustworthy. He’s got this. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Your desire to be a mother is good. And if it is His plan to bring children into your home, there is nothing that can stop God Almighty from making it be so. And who knows? Maybe your Mother’s Day is right around the corner. You could have said that to me last year {read that post here} and you would have been right. He’s got this friend. He still does.

And to all of you who are already mothers. Holy moly. You are amazing. I have a whole new world of respect for moms now that I am one. This is the best job and the hardest job. Being a mom is the real deal. The sacrifices that are made in the name of love are—beautiful. Superhuman, even. So Happy Mother’s Day to you. Job well done. Wow.

Here are some pictures today of Liam dressed up for his baby dedication at church. We misunderstood the time that the dedication would be happening at church and missed it. So we’ll dedicate him next time. In the meanwhile, enjoy the photos. And come back tomorrow…because, well…

It’s Liam’s Due Date Day tomorrow.

Had to add that last one. “No more pictures, Momma. Please?”

Back to Basics: Gospel Grace 2

So yesterday we talked about the definition of gospel. Today we’re going to be talking about a practical way that the Lord has been working that out in my daily life.

But first. News flash: I’m a sinner {Romans 3:23}. I know that very well. I know what I am and what I am capable of apart from Christ. But in Christ, I am a saint whose heart has been regenerated and who is being sanctified on a daily basis. “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ–by grace you have been saved.” {Ephesians 2:4-5}.

True story. I’m a saint that has been made alive. Yet sin continues to pop up in my heart on a daily basis. And where it does, I find grace. “Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more {Romans 5:20}. Previously I was blind to grace. Instead of accepting the free gift of grace, I would choose to waffle in guilt, self-condemnation, and self-loathing when any sin would surface. I didn’t know what to do with my sin. Even as a Christian!

That’s because I was on the crazy religious cycle.

Let me give you the Reader’s Digest background story: At some point in my early Christian life I started trying to earn God’s love and favor. I started trying to pay Him back for saving me and for all of the amazing things that He had done in my life. I felt like He had done enough for me on the cross and that it was a one time gift that I had already “redeemed” when I was saved. I did not understand that the cross was applicable to every day of my life. And…

Deep down, I just couldn’t accept that His grace was free and endless.

This crazy cycle continued for probably 7 years, friends. To the point where I decided I was done with God because I was tired. My religiosity had me on a roller coaster of highs and lows. When I perceived myself to be “doing well” and walking with Jesus I was extremely prideful. When I failed, I despaired. It was one or the other. Up. Down. Up. Down. He’s pleased with me. He hates me. He’s pleased with me. He hates me.

My relationship with my Father became an exhausting, never-ending petal-picking, “He loves me, He loves me not” distorted mess.

Three years ago when we started going to Mars Hill, I began to get a different message. A gospel message of grace. I was still a sinner. That was clear. And it was preached {thank God}. But there was always this message of grace that went along with it. There was this focus on the gospel and it’s impact on the here and now {not just my moment of salvation}. So seeds of gospel truth began to be planted. I had a lot that I needed to work through. Years of distortions, half-truths, and bold-faced lies from my enemy. But about eleven months ago the power of the gospel really started to resonate.

The more that I accepted that I was a sinner that sinned daily, the more I understood and appreciated daily grace.

Here’s what happens when we get gospel grace: we FALL IN LOVE with Jesus. We WORSHIP Jesus. We DRAW NEAR to Jesus. There’s no more pride from earning it ourselves because we get that we did NOTHING {Ephesians 2:8-9} and He did EVERYTHING {Colossians 2:13-14}. There’s no more despair from falling short, because we get that we have put on His righteousness, and His perfect record. The Father looks at me and sees Jesus. What?

There is joy. There is hope. There is peace. Friend, I love Jesus. It’s His kindness that leads me to repentance {Romans 2:4}. On a daily basis. Because His mercies are new every morning. “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” {Lamentations 3:22-23}.

So let’s get to it already, McKenzie. Am I right? Or am I right?

Here it is. Here’s my practical example. About two weeks ago I brought my schedule before Jesus. I was feeling tremendously convicted that I needed to repent of my selfishness. He’s showed me that FREE TIME was my idol as well as control of my schedule. It was rooted in fear that if I really surrender my schedule to Jesus I’ll lose all personal freedom and rest. I’ll have no time for myself, for my marriage, and even {get this} quiet time {note that I put myself first on the list}.

So that has practically played itself out in making excuses about spending time with people. It has played itself out in wanting to stay in more than go out with my husband {which is discouraging to him}. It has played itself out in days of complete and total laziness and waste. I was not being faithful with the things I was called to: my marriage, our ministry, our home, my coaching business, my blog, or my relationships. Yikes.

Historically this realization would have broken me. I would have spiraled into a deep despair and a season of walking away from/hiding from the Lord. I failed again. He was disappointed in me.

This time I repented in joy with hope of promised grace and newness of life.

Here’s my journal entry from November 30th:

“God’s disposition toward me does not change from one day to the next.” -B.B. Warfield

“I feel like you have given me this over-abundance of time in my schedule and free time has become my idol. I will sin to protect it. I have been lazy, I’ve lied and made excuses, I haven’t loved/helped/served my husband well or others and I’ve been miserable. I’ve been a recluse. I want to give my time to you (FREELY…NOT OUT OF OBLIGATION), and I ask that you lead me and show me where and how and what that looks like. Help me to be faithful now where you have me with the things and people you’ve placed in my life. Ignite a passion and a fervor by the power of your Holy Spirit and equip/enable/sustain me to persevere. Fill me with the passion and energy to do your will faithfully to YOUR GLORY, not my own. I surrender to you and thank you for forgiving me of my idolatry and selfishness and fear and control. I’m yours and all I have is yours. I want to be all in.”

And then I wrote out a few excerpts from Ephesians like this:

“And you were dead…

BUT GOD

made us alive together with Christ…

SO THAT

he might show the immeasurable riches of his GRACE in kindness.”

And then I closed my journal and moved on, friend. Free. No condemnation. No self-loathing. Believing that I had received grace that day for my idolatry, selfishness, fear, and control. That day. In that moment. The gospel was relevant to me. He died so I could put that sin to death. He was raised so I could get up from the table and walk in newness of life.

And I can tell you that He has totally met me and answered my prayers. His grace brings freedom. His kindness brings me to repentance, remember? Repentance is change. A 180 degree change. I don’t change myself. The grace of the gospel changes me. It’s not my job to fix my brokenness. It’s His job and it’s already been accomplished and finished on the cross.

In the last two weeks, the Lord has given me new passion and energy to serve Him in the areas He’s called me to serve Him. I wake up early {without an alarm—a modern miracle and marvel in and of itself}. I spent time in the Word. I’m productive and get things done around the house. I’ve pressed into my role as helper to Jason and have been supporting him through prayer. I’m more organized. I have recommitted myself to my relationships and friendships {not perfectly, but better by His grace}. I feel joy when I do these things. Old desires like sitting on the couch and watching TV or napping have lost their appeal. I’m excited about seeing people and going places and doing things.

I realize how enslaved I was to my false, broken idol of free time. I was literally submitting myself to a yoke of slavery. Our idolatry ALWAYS enslaves us. By protecting my idol {and worshipping it}, I was adding chains to my own shackles and living in misery. Ironically, instead of enjoying my free time like I thought I would, my days would end with me feeling worthless. Man.

Now I am walking in freedom. I’m not submitting my schedule to Him to earn His love {and if I start to try, the Holy Spirit meets me and convicts me}. I’m not doing it out of duty or obligation. No. Instead, I get to respond to my King’s kindness with obedience in my schedule. It’s ground breaking. It’s life giving. It’s amazing.

This is the power of the gospel played out on a daily basis.

And once you’ve experienced gospel grace you do NOT want to go back to religion. You want to continue to live in the freedom that Christ died for you to have. “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery” {Galatians 5:1}.

And when I have another lazy day or when I start to idolize free time or when I get fearful, there’s grace for that too. Available in an instant. Right then and there. There’s grace for that.

I pray for you today, friend, to know that grace. I pray for you to bring your sin before Him, believing that there is POWER in the gospel, and that your sin, whatever it may be, can be put to death RIGHT NOW, and the promise to walk in newness of life is available to you THIS VERY MOMENT. And His promises are always true and always good and always available. There is no expiration date. Not tomorrow or the next day or ten years from now or ever. So I pray for you tomorrow, friend, and the next day, and the next…to always know that very same grace. 

Oh, how I love Him. Praise His Holy Name.

A Work of Redemption

“You can’t love someone you need.” -Elyse Fitzpatrick

Hey everyone. Been quiet on the blog for the last few weeks. I’ve missed you. Everything is okay with our Sweet Pea. More than okay, thank you, Jesus. We celebrated 14 weeks today. We are out of the first trimester and moving toward the halfway point of this pregnancy. So overwhelmed with gratefulness. Will certainly give you some more updates this week, but for now I just want to acknowledge a work that the Lord is doing in my heart.

I’ve really struggled with approval of man my whole life. I’ve cared way too much about what people think of me. Cared way too much about how they perceived me. Placed way too much stock in their approval. In being liked. In being admired. In being trusted. In being included.

I needed people. I used people. I feared them. I was enslaved to them.

I’ve always known that I had fear of man, but God has really been revealing this to me the last several months. I started to realize that I didn’t want to be around people anymore. That I felt overwhelmed by them. That being around them left me completely and totally exhausted. I decided being a recluse might be a genuinely appealing option.

I couldn’t love people because I needed them.

So I started pleading with God to remove my idolatry of man. My fear of man. I asked Him to help me put and KEEP my identity in Him instead of in people or what they thought of me. I was tired of not loving well because I wanted to love and worship myself first and foremost above God and others. So I’ve been praying. And talking. And journaling. And reading. And praying. And pleading.

I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like a weight has been lifted.

What it is is answered prayer. I feel a huge burden has been removed. I know that this will be something I will need to daily depend on Jesus for throughout the rest of my life on this earth, but I honestly can tell you that He has shown me what it is to walk in freedom in this area. To see people for who they are and what they are saying instead of looking and listening for what benefits me

OR what they might be thinking of me

OR avoiding conversation for fear of their disapproval.

This is not an arrival. It’s just a work of redemption in my heart. It’s a heart that was sick with sin that has been set free from captivity. I see what it is to walk in freedom in the identity that Christ has given me and to love people with no ulterior motives. To walk confidently…not because of who I am or what I’ve done but because of who He is and what He’s done. Not because of my performance, but because of His perfect performance. Not because I’ve earned the approval of others, but because in Christ I am approved.

It’s pretty rad.

And I’m super grateful. And I just had to share with you. Please forgive me for not loving you well. Please forgive me for serving myself sometimes instead of serving you. Please forgive me for craving your approval instead of God’s. Please forgive me for being afraid of you and placing way too much stock in what you think about me. I’m ready to love you better because Christ has set me free. Praise be to God.

 

 

 

Pregnancy is a Broken God

Here’s a pregnancy update for you:

The inclination of my heart is to worship pregnancy.

So…God’s been teaching me some stuff during this first trimester. What else is new? He’s kind. And I have a lot to learn.

Hi, I’m Kate. And pregnancy is my idol.

An idol can be defined as anything that takes the place of God in my heart. It’s something that consumes my time, my thoughts, my energy. I’m willing to sin to worship my idol. It can be a good thing like marriage, career, pregnancy, exercise, financial stability, etc. But it becomes an idol when that good thing becomes a God thing.

We are worshippers.

If we’re not worshipping God, we will worship something else. We can totally experience God’s goodness, sovereignty and majesty one day, and then turn our fickle hearts to an idol the next day. You may have read the story of the golden calf. Israel had been delivered from slavery in Egypt. They had seen the power and majesty of God in the plagues. They had witnessed the parting of the Red Sea. They had watched God provide manna from heaven for their dietary needs. They’d even seen and heard the mighty presence of God on the mountain of God.

While the people were waiting for Moses to return from receiving the law on the mountain, they grew bored and impatient. Moses own brother, Aaron, is complicit in the plan to create a golden calf for them to worship.

God says to Moses, “Go down, for your people, whom you brought up out of the land of Egypt, have corrupted themselves. They have turned aside quickly out of the way that I commanded them. They have made for themselves a golden calf and have worshipped it and sacrificed to it, and said, ‘These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt!'” (Exodus 32:7-8)

We are worshippers.

Here’s what God has been teaching me. The fight against idolatry is a life-long battle. By God’s grace and over time, our idols should be more and more easily identified and less and less appealing. But here’s the kicker: The passing of time doesn’t guarantee that once we crush an idol it will never return.

So here’s the skinny: Satan wants this to be frustrating! He wants me to be frustrated and discouraged and feel guilt and condemnation. And I HAVE BEEN feeling frustrated and crazy discouraged that I haven’t “beaten this.” Here are the thoughts that have been in my head (tell me if you’ve ever heard something similar):

“We’ve been here before. What’s wrong with you?”
“Wasn’t five years enough time to learn to worship God instead of pregnancy?”
“You’re so pathetic. You’ve failed again.”
“This negates all of the progress that God has made in your heart.”
“Welcome back to square one.”

That’s not how my Dad talks to me. That is not the voice of my Father. My Father is “merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” The Bible says that “He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.” And furthermore it says, “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgression from us.” This is my Father: “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” (Psalm 103:8-13)

Yes, I’ve gone through five years of infertility, a great portion of which was a daily surrender of this idol. Yes, ideally this idol would be dead by now (never to resurrect itself). But my heart still has an inclination to worship pregnancy, to place all my hope in this child, to fear the traumatic loss of our baby, and to get my identity from being pregnant or being a mom. How do I know my heart is still inclined toward idolizing the broken god of pregnancy?

Because there are moments and days where fear has consumed my thoughts. Example: I’m afraid to sneeze. To cough. To go for a walk. To lift a laundry basket. To push a vacuum cleaner. Example: I was sitting in the doctor’s office last Thursday waiting to hear our baby’s heartbeat and I was bawling (in fear) before she even came in. Example: I want to talk about it a LOT. I want to read about it EVEN MORE. I think about it A LOT OF THE TIME.

Pregnancy is a broken god.

It can not save me. It cannot give me life. It cannot redeem my sins. It cannot bring me contentment. It does not give me value or identity.

Thank you, Jesus, for showing me that truth once again. Thank you, Jesus, for showing me that I am a sinner desperately dependent on you for grace and deliverance. Thank you, Jesus for being a better God. For being a God that did save me. That does give me new life. That redeemed all of my sins past, present and future. Thank you for giving me secure identity in you as a redeemed daughter of the King, a chosen bride of Christ, an adopted child of God. Wow. Thank you. Thank you for being God. The one true God. Thank you for helping me “rise from my knees to stop worshipping the splinters of broken gods.” And thank you for crushing my idols. Again and again. Even when they are the same idols. Help me worship you alone.

Prophets proclaimed to our fathers long ago 
To turn from your statues and your idols made of gold 
  
Rise from your knees, stop worshiping 
The splinters of broken gods, turn and see your King 

There is one God over all kings and rulers 
And He reigns alone 

Now we proclaim the same God, the same Word 
Who stood through the ages, Jesus Christ the Lord 

Rise from your knees, stop worshiping 
The splinters of broken gods, turn and see your King 

There is one God over all kings and rulers 
And he reigns alone 

Burn them all down, my God, my God 

There is one God over all kings and rulers 
And he reigns alone 

And the one God over all kings and rulers 
Will not share his throne
(Mars Hill Music)

Gold is Not Afraid of Fire

Just read this and thought I’d share. It’s a good one! Hope it encourages. Happy Sunday!

Morning and Evening October 7

“Wherefore hast thou afflicted thy servant?”
— Numbers 11:11

“Our heavenly Father sends us frequent troubles to try our faith. If our faith be worth anything, it will stand the test. Gilt is afraid of fire, but gold is not: the paste gem dreads to be touched by the diamond, but the true jewel fears no test. It is a poor faith which can only trust God when friends are true, the body full of health, and the business profitable; but that is true faith which holds by the Lord’s faithfulness when friends are gone, when the body is sick, when spirits are depressed, and the light of our Father’s countenance is hidden. A faith which can say, in the direst trouble, ‘Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him,’ is heaven-born faith. The Lord afflicts his servants to glorify himself, for he is greatly glorified in the graces of his people, which are his own handiwork. When ‘tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope,’ the Lord is honoured by these growing virtues. We should never know the music of the harp if the strings were left untouched; nor enjoy the juice of the grape if it were not trodden in the winepress; nor discover the sweet perfume of cinnamon if it were not pressed and beaten; nor feel the warmth of fire if the coals were not utterly consumed. The wisdom and power of the great Workman are discovered by the trials through which his vessels of mercy are permitted to pass. Present afflictions tend also to heighten future joy. There must be shades in the picture to bring out the beauty of the lights. Could we be so supremely blessed in heaven, if we had not known the curse of sin and the sorrow of earth? Will not peace be sweeter after conflict, and rest more welcome after toil? Will not the recollection of past sufferings enhance the bliss of the glorified? There are many other comfortable answers to the question with which we opened our brief meditation, let us muse upon it all day long.”

The Two Week Wait

Well, it wasn’t two weeks for us. We walked out of the transfer on Thursday, August 23rd. We scheduled our follow up blood test for Monday, September 3rd. That was exactly twelve days. Add to that the fact that I couldn’t wait to take a home pregnancy test any longer than Friday, August 31st, and we actually only had to wait eight days to find out we were pregnant!!! But I’ll get to that tomorrow.

That said, those eight days still felt like an eternity. I had a really hard time waiting. It was interesting because we had been through it once before with the least favorable outcome becoming the reality. We lost the babies last time. Because of that, I think I fooled myself into thinking it would be easier this time than last time. After all, we had already been through it. Jesus had carried us through. God was good to us in grief. We were still breathing and living. So this time I started to depend on my own strength instead of Jesus. I even sort of hid from God in fear because I didn’t know what I would do if it didn’t work this time. I was afraid that I would be too hurt “by Him” to recover. I think I wanted to trust Him, but in hind sight, I was afraid.

Fear is a natural result of idolatry. When I started to put the value of my babies lives higher than the reality of God’s goodness, my foundation became sinking sand. And when you’re on sinking sand anything can happen and your hope is in the results. And because of that life is filled with fear and anxiety. If the outcome does not turn out how you had “hoped” than hope is dead. I had to do some serious repenting for not trusting Jesus and for not placing my hope in Him alone. I had to ask for forgiveness for hiding from Him. He is kind. He is patient. He is quick to forgive and merciful. He speaks tenderly to me and uses His surgeon’s scalpel cautiously and skillfully. He gives me grace. Sometimes more grace than I give myself. I need His help with that. The reality is He knew how hard this two week wait would be for me. And He was willing to be there with me every minute. He pursued me even when I wasn’t pursuing Him. Even when I was scared and hiding. I love Him.

So it was a hard, but GOOD two weeks (okay, eight days). Because God is GOOD and He uses trial to test our faith and this is more precious than gold. More precious than babies, even.

Come back tomorrow and I’ll share the story of how we found out we were pregnant and the video of me telling Jason in “The Double Line.”

Medicated Cycle vs. Natural Cycle

The decision about the medication this cycle is actually an interesting God story. Surprise surprise. He provided in some really neat ways for us and really guided our decision.

Here’s the back story. Last cycle, I chose to do a medicated cycle over a natural cycle. To get a feel for what a medicated cycle looks like, you can re-read my protocol from the first transfer here. Essentially, a medicated cycle suppresses my normal ovulation and then gives me synthetic hormones to prepare my body to accept the embryos and sustain a pregnancy. A natural cycle is dictated more by your natural cycle (hence the name). There is less medication involved, but is less predictable. Transfer dates can be cancelled if your body is not exactly where it needs to be. Cost is about the same if you include all of the ultrasounds that need to be done as a part of the natural cycle. (If you, or someone you know is interested in EA and has specific questions about cost, feel free to email me and I’d be happy to give you more information). Last time we chose the medicated cycle, or the HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). This time, we were seriously considering the natural cycle, especially after our doctor told us that both methods are equally effective.

But after some changes occurred with our timeline, we knew we needed/wanted to do the transfer before the end of 2012. These changes were out of our control and were someone unexpected. That’s what made it neat. We were actually not planning on doing another transfer until the summer of 2013. So we had a choice to make about which type of cycle we would do.

We were actually trying to decide on July 6th as we were preparing to leave for a weekend of anniversary camping. I had been going back and forth with the nurse that day about which cycle we were going to choose. Finally, because of those unforeseen circumstances, I let her know we had decided to go ahead with the medicated cycle again.

At that point, she asked me what day of my cycle I was on. It was Day 6. “That’s great,” she said. “You can actually start birth control today if you want. It’s the last day you can start, or you can wait til next month.” I hadn’t thought that we would be able to start that soon, so I told her I would talk to Jason and call her back. After Jason and I talked, we decided that we hadn’t quite saved up ALL of the money that we needed for the transfer so we wanted to wait. We felt that God would have provided the money if He wanted us to move forward at that time. So I called the nurse back and said we were going to save a bit more and then we’d probably be ready to start the following month.

Two hours later the mail came. It was literally right as we were leaving to go camping for the weekend. I opened a card from a family member, and there, inside was a check for more than we even needed to begin the cycle. I cried. And then I laughed. Jason and I talked about it, felt peace, and called the nurse. “Change of plans. We can start today.” What a blessing. That would be the first of many.

So on July 6th, I began the second protocol for our second transfer. I followed the exact protocol as last time. Every appointment along the way went exactly as it was supposed to (actually even better than last time because my estrogen levels last time were lower than they wanted and this time they were perfect). Time tick tock’ed away pretty slowly over those six weeks, but we finally made it to August 23rd.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post, “The Tale of the Second Transfer Day” and get a refresher on “The Tale of Transfer Day” from our first transfer here.

Hope for the Hopeless Wicked Wife

I need to set you straight, Oh Blog Reading Friend O’Mine. You know, lest you think it’s all sunshine and rainbows here at our house. Here’s what this series, “Wicked Wife,” was not meant to do. It was not meant to convey a sense of one-sided wickedness. I am not {and Jason would whole-heartedly agree} the only wicked spouse in this union. If you remember, in my post “The on the Way to Church Fight,” I talked about the fact that God was working on Jason too. That Jason is a sinner too. That he brings his own stuff into our relationship.

So that means your husband is a sinner too. I pray that your husband knows and loves Jesus and is walking in continual worship and repentance and obedience. But I get it. That’s not the case for everyone. A few years ago that certainly wasn’t the case for me. And I had literally lost all hope.

I’m just feeling super led to write to those of you who feel hopeless that your husband will ever change. Those of you that feel hopeless that your husband will ever love and serve the Lord. Those of you that feel hopeless that you will ever be loved, protected, served, and cherished like God designed you to be.

Take heart, friend. There IS hope.

Your hope is not in your husband. Or in his change. Or in you. Or in your change. It’s not in systems or plans or improved behavior or church attendance or accountability partners or Bible reading. It’s in Jesus Christ alone. In the God of the impossible {Luke 1:37}. In the God that changes hearts of stone to hearts of flesh {Ezekiel 36:26}. In the God that literally causes us to be born again into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. A living hope. You catch that? Alive. Not dead.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.” {1 Peter 1:3}

If God can raise His dead, crucified Son from the grave, He can raise your hope from the grave as well. He can raise your husband up out of his sin. He can raise your marriage up out of the tomb. Acts 2:24 literally says, “God raised him up, loosing the pangs of death, because it was not possible for him to be held by it.” Death couldn’t hold Jesus. And because of Jesus, death can’t hold your husband. Or your marriage. Do you believe that? If you don’t, repent to God of your unbelief and ask Him to increase your faith! What a great prayer.

In Mark 9:22-24, we see a father who has brought his son with an unclean spirit before Jesus. He asks Jesus to heal the son “IF” he can. We see him pray this very same prayer.

“‘But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.’ And Jesus said to him, ‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.’ Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, ‘I believe; help my unbelief!'”

Oh Wicked Wives, there’s hope. Just like there was hope for us. All things are possible. God has justified us to Himself if we are in Christ. He has called us to repentance, He has removed our sin, He has lavished us with grace. He has done it through Jesus. He can do the same with your husband if you husband doesn’t yet know and love Jesus. He did it with you. Crazy, right? Miracle, right? He’s still doing miracles. He’s still changing hearts. He’s got it, friend. Be encouraged by this verse from Romans 5:

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” {Romans 5:1-5}

Yes, we’re wicked. But so are our husbands. Yes, we need to repent and let the Holy Spirit change. But so do our husbands. The kicker? You can’t be responsible for your husband’s change. Nor can you nag him towards change. Nor can you manipulate him towards change. Or bribe him. Or threaten him. If you’re in an abusive situation, if your husband is leading you into sin, breaking the law, being violent or abusive, you need to get help immediately from the authorities and from the leadership of your church. God does not call you to put yourself or your children in harm’s way. He has provided systems and authorities to protect you. But if the sin that we’re talking about with your husband does not fit in the above categories, then you are called to love and serve and pray and wait on the Lord. You are not the Holy Spirit. You are not your husband’s Savior. All you can do is be obedient to repent of your own sin, to follow and love the Lord, and to trust Him to be the one to change your husband.

Most importantly, do not overlook your own sin because you are so focused on his. Mistake of mistakes. Been there. Done that. Got the heartache. And, finally, sweet friend, ask Jesus to help you hope. I mean it.

You can have hope. And “hope does not put us to shame.”

Don’t give up, friend. Don’t give up.

**This is the 8th post in the “Wicked Wife” series.**

I Blog Today for Prayer

(credit: CBS Seattle, Chris + Mayet Palacio/GettyImages)

Yesterday was a rough day for me. Different waves of grief over our infertility and the loss of our Sweet Peas have been hitting my theoretical “shore” and it’s been turning my whole world upside down. I guess it could be compared to the tsunami debris that has been washing ashore along the west coast of the United States.

Yes, the tsunami happened over a year ago in March of 2011. And yes, the debris is expected to continue hitting our coasts for the next two years. It’s not a one and done deal. There are residual, long-lasting, damaging effects. Sorta like grief.

Grief is messy and there are no rules.

Grief comes when you least expect it and when you’re not prepared for it. I’m grieving. And I confess that I don’t know how to grieve. Sometimes I swing to the plastic Barbie smile and the pretty packaged “all-is-well-thanks-for-asking” grief. Sometimes I’m scared to say how I’m really doing because it’s messy and I’m worried that people won’t know what to say. I don’t want to rain on their parade. Be a kill joy. And I don’t want to wallow. I don’t want to make it about me and my grief. And then, sometimes I really AM doing okay. And then, sometimes I scream and cry and make sounds like a wild animal.

Yesterday was scream and cry like an animal day.

Yesterday was one for the history books. The last time I cried like this was before our transfer. Man, I’m sad. I’m tired. I feel like I’m fighting battle after battle. I feel like I am literally battling to choose life and Jesus over death and sin. Satan is TORMENTING me. He has been whispering horrid, hopeless, heinous things into my ears. I am clinging to Jesus and pleading with Him for divine protection and rescue. I know the road is wide and welcoming—rage, bitterness, jealousy, hopelessness—exits to an array of sins off of Satan’s highway. I know the road is narrow that leads to life and Christ. It’s less traveled. It takes discipline and self-control and an total empowerment of the Holy Spirit.

Jason gave me these verses last night from Psalm 22 and they’ve been a real encouragement:

“Be not far from me, for trouble is near and there is none to help.

But you, O LORD, do not be far off! Oh you, my help, come quickly to my aid!

For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard when he cried to him.” (vs. 11,19,24)

I’ve also just started Exodus and am being reminded of God’s continued faithfulness to His covenantal promises. We read about Joseph in the pit, we read about the perfect timing of God’s deliverance, and we talked about being ready when the deliverance comes. Here’s the thing that’s AMAZING about Scripture. As we read, we are able to see deliverance. Redemption. We can see how God uses what was intended for evil for good. We see Him using all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). And there’s hope.

He sees.
He knows.
He remembers.
He hears.
He moves.
He redeems.
He delivers.
And you know what?

My story isn’t finished.

Our story isn’t finished. The final page hasn’t been turned. I don’t know how this one ends. But knowing that He knows is enough. Let that be enough, Lord. Let it be enough when my heart is broken and I am choking on my grief. Let that be enough when I cannot breathe and my head is pounding and my tears are falling. Let that be enough when my ache to be a mother overwhelms me to the point of despair and hopelessness. Let that be enough.

In the end of Chapter 2 of Exodus, the Israelites have been enslaved for around four hundred years. It says, “Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Issac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel–and God knew.”

God remembered.

God knew.

Let that be enough.

I blog today for prayer.

I covet your prayers as I fight for life. I covet your prayers as I learn how to grieve and worship. How to be sad and worship. How to be real and worship. I covet your prayers as I wait in the pit and worship. As I await deliverance. As I choose Jesus over sin.

And…

I’d also appreciate your prayers for my neighbors who probably think we’re hiding some sort of wildebeest/bobcat hybrid in our basement.

Deliverance

“There is a time set for the deliverance of God’s people; that time will come, though it seem to tarry; and, when it comes, it will appear to have been the best time, and therefore we ought to wait for it.” -Matthew Henry

Today we are continuing in Genesis (see “Study” tab above). Chapter 42 details the beginning of Joseph’s deliverance and highlights God’s providence. As we continue to read the Bible, we can most certainly learn from the characters in it. We can relate to them. We can identify their sins and follies and we can admire their faith. But we must always keep the larger picture in mind—God and His perfectly timed plan of redemption that He set in motion after the fall of man. Reading the Old Testament should always leave us with a desire to worship Yahweh, the independent and self-exisitant God of revelation and redemption.

God had made a promise to mankind and, more specifically, to the line of Abraham. As we start to see God’s deliverance of Joseph unfold in this chapter as well as the not so “ironic” deliverance of his brothers, we can be reminded of God’s perfect providence and worship Him for His faithfulness to His people in the midst of sin, folly, drama, family strife, jealousy, spite, pride, hatred, etc. etc. etc. 2 Timothy 2:13 says, “if we are faithless, he remains faithful–for he cannot deny himself.” Super important for us to remember that God’s deliverance and blessing and provision for these OT characters was not simply because of their righteousness (which, in fact, is imparted to them by God and not of their own doing), but because of His righteousness and faithfulness.

Psalm 105 summarizes what we are reading in Genesis 42:

“16 When he [God] summoned a famine on the land and broke all supply of bread, 17 he had sent a man ahead of them, Joseph, who was sold as a slave. 18 His feet were hurt with fetters; his neck was put in a collar of iron; 19 until what he had said came to pass, the word of the LORD tested him. 20 The king sent and released him; the ruler of the peoples set him free; 21 he made him lord of his house and ruler of all his possessions, 22 to bind his princes at his pleasure and to teach his elders wisdom. 23 Then Israel came to Egypt; Jacob sojourned in the land of Ham. 24 And the LORD made his people very fruitful and made them stronger than their foes.” (Psalm 105:16-24)

At this point, Joseph had been in slavery in Egypt for around twenty years. He was sold by his brothers as a teenager and is now in his 30’s. When his brothers are sent to Egypt by their father, Jacob, to buy grain, God ordains a reunion between Joseph and his brothers. This is a very emotional moment for Joseph. Though his brothers do not recognize him, he certainly recognizes them. He has a hard time extending grace and is harsh with them, accusing them of being spies. But Joseph then hears them talking amongst themselves, admitting their guilt and shame for what they had done to Joseph. And Joseph weeps and his heart is softened. He then sends them on their way, asking them to return with evidence (their brother Benjamin) to prove they are not spies. He orders his servants to fill their bags with grain as well as to secretly return their money to them. They return home, give an account of their journey to their father and plead with Jacob to allow them to bring Benjamin back to Egypt as evidence that they are not spies. The chapter ends with Jacob refusing to send his son along with them.

In the next few chapters we will more clearly see God’s deliverance of Joseph and of the family line. But for today, we acknowledge that God’s vision always comes to completion, that it is rarely ever according to our plan/timeline, and that watching His plan unfold should cause our hearts to worship with humble thanks as He works out redemption through us and throughout all the earth.

“For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end–it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” (Habakkuk 2:3)

Let’s Get Journaling:

1. How does worshipping God instead of idolizing Joseph change the way you read this story?
2. Do you believe God’s deliverance will come for you or the one you love/pray for? Why or why not?
3. If you do not believe, what has caused you to lose faith and what truths of the Bible do you need to reaffirm in your heart?
4. What will you do if your deliverance looks different than you have prayed for?

The Wooly Bear Caterpillar

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” (Genesis 1:1)

Have you ever taken a look at creation in light of this verse? I mean, really taken a look at creation? Like “Frozen Planet” take a look at creation? Listen, I’m no nature expert. But this past Sunday, we watched The Discovery Channel’s “Frozen Planet” premier. And, wowzers, were we blown away. The magnificence of creation is spellbinding. We kept pausing and rewinding and pausing and rewinding. If you missed it, here is a link to the upcoming episode guide for the next four Sundays at 8pm e/p.

Here’s the thing. I don’t want to go into some long diatribe, but there is something God has stamped on His creation that reflects Him as Creator. The sheer genius and diversity and wonder with which each creature has been made is intriguing. Honestly, creation points directly to the artistic hand of God. The “something” He’s stamped on Creation is Himself. Here’s a quote from the “Creation: God Makes” chapter of “Doctrine“:

“Whereas God could have created air filtration machines, he instead chose to create trees. Whereas God could have chosen to cast creation in black and white, he instead chose to paint from a vast palette of colors. Why? Because God is gloriously beautiful, and creation reflects his beauty with ceaseless displays of breathtaking splendor that cause us to rightly feel in the presence of something sacred so as to create in us wonder and worship.” (“Doctrine, p. 88)

God gives us creation as general revelation, or a means to reveal Himself to us. It’s meant to point back to Him, to tell His story, and to create in us wonder and worship.

Scripture reinforces this over and over again.

“When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?” (Psalm 8:3-4)

“The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.” (Psalm 19:1)

“For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse.” (Romans 1:19-20)

Here’s an amazing example of God even writing Himself and His story into the genetic code of the wooly bear caterpillar. Watch this video. See how this is God’s story. See how even the caterpillar reflects the life and death of God’s Son. “The caterpillar rises from the dead.” Jesus put sin to death and brought newness of life. The caterpillar is “waiting for a very special spring. Those of us in Christ are all waiting for our final transformation. For our “very special spring.”

Have you ever had your breath taken away by the splendor of this planet we live on? What if that was God whispering to you, “That’s me. Worship me. I made this for YOU. So that YOU could know ME.”

We were meant to worship the Creator. Not the creation. He gifted creation freely to us ALL as a love letter that would point us ALL back to Him. Do you know Him? Do you worship Him? He knows and loves you and made this all for you, in order that you might know Him, worship Him as God, and be with Him forever. He is good. So good.

Watch this “Frozen Planet” trailer. Watch this and when you get goosebumps and when something stirs deep down inside of you, ask yourself, “How could an earth this majestic not point to a Creator with even greater majesty?” The final tag-line in the promo is: “Like nothing on earth.” Interesting. They’re right. Creation points to something that isn’t like anything on this earth. Because creation points to the Creator.

Shutting Down Shop

When I get pregnant, I’ll have joy.

When I _________, I’ll have joy.

What’s your fill in the blank “if x, then joy” formula? Mine was a baby. Before that it was a house. Before that it was marriage. Before that it was engagement. Before that it was graduation. Before that it was college. Before that it was a volleyball championship. Before that it was a relationship, a friend, a car, new school clothes, a vacation. My synthetic joy factory has been a bustling business. Lights were always on, steam was always blowing out of the smoke stacks, the hum of the machinery heard in the distance.

I’m shutting my factory down. There’s been a whole lot of layoffs. Faint is the hum of the machinery. There’s no more smoke billowing into the sky. Windows and doors are being boarded up. My synthetic joy factory is closing for business. I’m shutting down shop.

I’ve found something better. I bet you can guess what it is. Or, more appropriately, “who” it is.

Yup, my triune Dad. God the Father. Christ the Son. Holy Spirit. Three in one. They’ve got the inside information on real joy. No synthetics, no artificial flavors, no preservatives. True joy.

“Be joyful in hope.” (Romans 12:12) We are on #9 in Paul’s “Marks of  True Christian” from Romans 12:9-21.

I think we’re all pretty good at keeping our synthetic joy factories up and running. We hire the employees, we stock the shelves, and we work extremely hard to keep production at all time highs. But what we do when we’ve got the object of our labor in our hands?  Is it fair to say that the joy itself was fleeting? I mean, I’ve found great joy in my marriage. I’ve found great joy in owning dogs. I’ve found great joy in my friends and family. But I still long for something more. So, if you’re anything like me (gosh I hope you’re not), you begin creatively strategizing to produce the next magic bullet.

 

“Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy?” (Isaiah 55:2a)

Over and over again in the Bible the writers focus on one “simple” statement. Rejoice in the Lord. It’s the theme of Philippians 4. It’s a major theme in the OT. It’s a major theme in the NT.

“…you shall rejoice before the Lord your God…” (Leviticus 23:40b)

“…you shall rejoice, you and your households, in all that you undertake, in which the Lord your God has blessed you.” (Deuteronomy 12:7b)

Over and over and over again rejoicing is found in the Psalms.

“The Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice…Rejoice in the Lord, O you righetous, and give thanks to his holy name.” (Psalm 97:1a, 12)

Want to know what else is cool? Not only is rejoicing in God a theme in the Bible, but God rejoicing over US is also a major theme. In the OT, we see that God rejoices over the future hope (coming in Jesus) for His children. Here are just two examples:

“…as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.” (Isaiah 62:5b)

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

Additionally, we’re told in Luke 15:3-10 that there is great rejoicing in heaven over one sinner that repents.

“Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.” (Luke 15:7)

But here’s something really interesting. There is only one place in Scripture where Jesus we have it recorded that Jesus actually rejoices. This is not to say that Jesus was not a man of joy; He was. Jesus absolutely talks about joy: future joy in the Kingdom, joy in heaven, the joy that He had face to face with the Father in eternal glory which one day He will share with those that come to heaven. But only in one place does it say that Jesus rejoiced. We know that Jesus was a man of sorrows. He was hated, He was mocked, He was accused, He was chastised, and eventually He was charged, beaten, whipped, spat upon, crucified and murdered. So if we are shown a moment where He rejoices, you better believe we ought to hone in on it. So what makes Jesus rejoice?

We’re in Luke 10. Jesus appoints seventy two and sends them out ahead of him two-by-two into every town and place where he himself was about to go. Upon their return, they are filled with joy saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!” (Luke 10:17b). Jesus responds: “I saw Satan fall like lightening from heaven. Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you. Nevertheless, do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.” (Luke 10:18-20)

And then it says,

“In that same hour he rejoiced in the Holy Spirit…

and said, ‘I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and have revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will.'” (Luke 10:21)

Jesus rejoices. What makes Jesus rejoice?

The fulfillment of the Father’s will. God’s plan, come to earth, being fulfilled through Himself, through the Holy Spirit, through the disciples. People responding to Truth. The sovereign, divine, perfect plan of the Father. That’s what brings Jesus joy.

And here, we have Jesus encouraging the disciples to not be caught up primarily in enJOYing results of ministry, but rather in the fact that their names were written in heaven (the ultimate fulfillment of God’s plan, His rescue mission to save us from Satan and sin). Jesus wants us to have eternal joy, His joy. As He prepares to face the cross, Jesus is talking to his Dad and regarding joy He says, “But now I am coming to you, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves.” (John 17:13) He wanted us to have His joy. Not a temporal synthetic factory joy, but an eternal joy.

1 John talks about our joy being complete. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s what I’m shutting down shop for. That’s what I need. None of this temporary crap. None of this joy built on circumstances and people junk. None of this here today gone tomorrow joy. Do you know what I’m saying? I want permanent joy. I want joy that trumps sorrow. Joy that trumps stuff. Joy that trumps broken relationships. Joy that trumps this busted, sin-wracked, death and disease filled world.

1 John 1:1-4:

“That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we looked upon and have touched with our hands, concerning the word of life-the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it, and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us-that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ. And we are writing these things SO THAT OUR JOY MAY BE COMPLETE.”

Back to Isaiah 55. We talked about bread that isn’t real bread and labor that doesn’t satisfy. Here’s the chapter in its entirety. I love it.

¹ “Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
² Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
³Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
my steadfast, sure love for David.
⁴ Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander for the peoples.
⁵ Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know,
and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,
because of the LORD your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,
for he has glorified you.

⁶ “Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
⁷let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
⁸For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
⁹ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

¹⁰ “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
¹¹so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

¹² “For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
¹³ Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;
instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the LORD,
an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

Regarding verse twelve, “The prophet concludes both this chapter and all of chapters 40-55 with a vision of the triumph of God’s grace, when the effects of sin and the fall are rectified and ‘the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.” (ESV Study Bible) Good news should bring great joy.

The bottom line:

Joy comes from the gospel.

Gospel means “good news.” Here’s some good news. Jesus.

Jesus had just been born. An angel appears to the shepherds in the fields saying, “I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:10-11) That’s good news. Very  good news.

…the effects of sin and the fall are rectified…

…creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption…

…obtain the freedom and the glory of the children of God…

“I bring you news of GREAT JOY that will be for ALL the people.”

I have some extra boards and a “Closed” sign for your factory if you want to borrow them.

No Swimming

photo from NBCNY

Isn’t this just us?

If a picture is worth a thousand words what is this one saying?

Not only are we bigger than the rules, but we’re going to throw out  a big “Screw You” in there while we’re at it. We’ll take the very rule itself and make a mockery of it. Throw it right across our back for you to see as we flip you off and rush into rebellion. Fascinating.

I saw this picture a few minutes ago as I was scanning through images from Hurricane Irene on NBC New York. A fifty-five year old man was killed today while surfing off the coast of Florida. It’s tragic, really. Unnecessary. You have to wonder what that man was thinking when he blew past the “No Swimming” / “Beach Closed” signs.

That doesn’t apply to me. I’m good. I got this.

The rush is worth the risk.

I mean, it certainly looks fun to me. And it always increases the excitement quotient when you know it’s not something you’re supposed to be doing. At the core, we are rebellious fools, aren’t we? Give an inch, we’ll take a mile. Before the “No _______” anything sign is posted, we’re already plotting how we’re going to blow past it.

I mean, God love us.

A friend once shared a quote with me:

Rules without relationship equal rebellion.

In our relationship with God (or lack thereof) this holds true. For most of my young and adult life I had seen God as an angry old man in the sky throwing down lists of “Though Shalt Nots.” He was rigid, disconnected, and uninterested. In my mind He even somewhat enjoyed dropping the weight of His impossible laws on my frail rebellious shoulders.

But I was near-sighted. I had my binoculars backwards. I was seeing God through my limited, finite mind. Seeing Him as what I speculated Him to be apart from who He’s revealed Himself to be. Truthfully I was seeing Him as religious people see Him. Someone who made a ton of rules and then left us to figure it out and hope for the best.

Well, without knowing Him, without relationship to Him, the natural response is rebellion. You don’t know me. You don’t care about me. You simply want to make life impossible and take away all the fun.

This near-sighted, hope for the best, joy snatching image of God is what led to years and years of rebellion on my part. I was going to blow past all of the rules, all of the warning signs, and just enjoy myself while there was still time. The rules simply didn’t apply to me. And after all, the rush was worth the risk.

The interesting part is that once you’ve “gotten away” with your first rebellious run, it makes the next one just a little bit easier. And the next, and the next. I would assume that the surfer that was killed today caught at least a wave or two before he fell and was killed. I can imagine the nervousness and excitement as he paddled out amongst the crashing surf. And the angst as he spotted a wave cresting on the horizon and positioned himself to ride it in. And perhaps he did. And perhaps it was the ride of his life! Perhaps he rode it in feeling totally justified.

See, I told you I got this!

But at some point, whether it was actually the first wave or the 21st, he fell and cut his head open on his board. And now he’s gone.

I would wager that he didn’t personally know the city official or lifeguard that posted the “No Swimming” sign. What if it had been his wife, posting the sign with love in her eyes. Or his children? Or his best friend? What if the person who posted the sign would have been someone he loved in return? Would he have heeded the warning instead of blowing past it? I don’t know. If the relationship was genuine, I would certainly hope so.

What if we KNOW the Rule Maker? What if we know He posts the rules because He loves us and wants to protect us from ourselves? Would we be any more likely to heed the warning?

One would hope. We’re still rebellious. But I think that rules with relationship lead to obedience. To repentance. To living a MORE fun, MORE joyful, MORE amazingly full life within the lines.

Today in the wake of Irene people are saying “nature isn’t a force to be reckoned with.” That all of these people swimming out in the ocean today as the storm blasts through are fools.

We’re frail. We really are. This shell of a body is not invincible. It isn’t indestructible, and it certainly isn’t infinite. It has an expiration date.

And God knows that.

And in love, He penned laws on paper to protect us from ourselves. To prevent pain. To prevent loss. To be whole and wholly satisfied.

He’s healing me. He’s helping me see more clearly through my binoculars. I’ve got them flipped the right way now; He’s revealing Himself to me. He’s not old and rigid. He’s not detached and distant. He’s here. He’s now. He’s good and all of His laws are perfect and for my benefit.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.” (Proverbs 1:7)

“My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you…Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.” (Proverbs 3:1-2, 5-8)

That, my friend, is the one thousandth word.

Once Upon a Time

I dreamed that I would have a perfect marriage and a perfect family and live happily ever after.

The shattering of my fairytale has been the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m going to tell you why.

It’s brought me flat on my face in the throne room of God before the King of Kings, my Savior, Jesus. I know Him more now than I ever have before. More now than I would have had everything gone according to “plan.” The wrestling that I’ve done as my “plan” deviated from His plan has strengthened me, strengthened us, and strengthened our marriage. Jesus is real to me. Very real. To both of us.

We are two days away from a pretty important answer. We are two days away from finding out the results of Jason’s surgery. Either his counts have improved. Or they haven’t. Either way, Jesus. If they’ve increased…Jesus. If they’re still at zero…Jesus.

I’m not willing to trade Jesus and peace for a new fairytale. I’m not willing to trade Jesus for anything. I want the next phase to be so full of Jesus that there is nothing else. If we are told that we’ll never be able to conceive a genetic child…I want Jesus. If we’re told there is a good chance we can conceive naturally…I want Jesus. I don’t want anything else. There is nothing else that will satisfy, nothing else that will bring peace, nothing else that will bring joy. Like Jesus.

Give me Jesus.

My fairytale is Jesus. I’ve been pursued by a good and loving and faithful Man. He’s fought for me. He’s lived and died for me. He’s never given up on me. There is nothing that can replace that, outshine that, overcome that. I’m good with Jesus.

A child will be icing. A child will be a blessing. A child will be a miracle. But a child is not the be all and end all for us. We’re good.

So pray for us. Pray that Jesus would be our all in all. Pray that through the emotions we would stand firm on solid ground and that no matter what these test results show that we will continue to walk in faith and look to Him. There is no news that we will get on Thursday that will change who He is. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Whatever the circumstances might be on Thursday, pray that we will look to Him. He is good. He is good. He is good. You guys…He is good. A genetic baby, or an adopted baby, or no baby…that doesn’t change it. He is good.

And I love Him so much. I am so in love with my Savior. You guys…I really love Him. Regardless of what happens on Thursday. Regardless of anything. My love for Him, for the first time in my life, is pure.

God, I love you. Be glorified in our lives. Baby, no baby, whatever. Be glorified.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

When darkness seems to hide His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

The Reason for God by Tim Keller

I’ve felt convicted about the fact that I have some [                             ] (gaps) in my life when it comes to being able to really communicate effectively the reasons why I believe some of the things that I believe.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt that the God of the Universe has intervened DRAMATICALLY in my own life. I have a testimony that cannot be explained otherwise. I trust Him. I love Him with all of my heart. I believe in Him. He has been SO good to me. But I want to be able to answer the hard questions about Him so that other people can know Him and love Him too.

So I’m going to be educating myself by reading “The Reason for God” by Tim Keller in addition to some other resources. Would love it if you’d join me, add your comments, questions, and insights, and grow along with me.

This is a quote from the introduction to the book that resonates with the reason I am proceeding with this study/blog challenge:

A faith without some doubts is like a human body without any antibodies in it. People who blithely go through life too busy or indifferent to ask hard questions about why they believe as they do will find themselves defenseless against either the experience of tragedy or the probing questions of a smart skeptic. A person’s faith can collapse almost overnight if she has failed over the years to listen patiently to her own doubts, which should only be discarded after long reflection.

Believers should acknowledge and wrestle with doubts–not only their own but their friends’ and neighbors’. It is no longer sufficient to hold beliefs just because you inherited them. Only if you struggle long and hard with objections to your faith will you be able to provide grounds for your beliefs to skeptics, including yourself, that are plausible rather than ridiculous or offensive. And, just as important for our current situation, such a process will lead you, even after you come to a position of strong faith, to respect and understand those who doubt. (Keller, xvii)

And for skeptics, Keller also poses a great few question in the introduction:

Some people say, ‘I don’t believe in Christianity because I can’t accept the existence of moral absolutes. Everyone should determine moral truth for him-or herself.’ Is that a statement they can prove to someone who doesn’t share it? No, it is a leap of faith, a deep belief that individual rights operate not only in the political sphere but also in the moral. There is no empirical proof for such a position. So the doubt (of moral absolutes) is a leap.

Some will respond to all this, ‘My doubts are not based on a leap of faith. I have no beliefs about God one way or another. I simply feel no need for God and I am not interested in thinking about it.’ But hidden beneath this feeling is the very modern American belief that the existence of God is a matter of indifference unless it intersects with my emotional needs. The speaker is betting his or her life that no God exists who would hold you accountable for your beliefs and behavior if you didn’t feel the need for him. That may be true or it may not be true, but, again, it is quite a leap of faith.

The only way to doubt Christianity rightly and fairly is to discern the alternate belief under each of your doubts and then to ask yourself what reasons you have for believing it. How do you know your belief is true? It would be inconsistent to require more justification for Christian belief than you do for your own, but that is frequently what happens. In fairness you must doubt your doubts. My thesis is that if you come to recognize the beliefs on which your doubts about Christianity are based, and if you seek as much proof for those beliefs as you seek from Christians for theirs–you will discover that your doubts are not as solid as they first appeared. (Keller, xvii-xix)

To both believes and skeptics, Keller says:

At the end of each process, even if you remain the skeptic or believer you have been, you will hold your own position with both greater clarity and greater humility. Then there will be an understanding, sympathy, and respect for the other side that did not exist before. Believers and nonbelievers will rise to the level of disagreement rather than simply denouncing one another. This happens when each side has learned to represent the other’s argument in its strongest and most positive form. Only then is it safe and fair to disagree with it. That achieves civility in a pluralistic society, which is no small thing. (Keller, xix)

Here are the topics that will be discussed. They are divided into two sections:

PART ONE: THE LEAP OF DOUBT

There Can’t Be Just One True Religion

How Could a Good God Allow Suffering?

Christianity is a Straitjacket

The Church is Responsible for So Much Injustice

How Can a Loving God Send People to Hell?

Science Has Disproved Christianity

You Can’t Take the Bible Literally

PART TWO: THE REASONS FOR FAITH

The Clues of God

The Knowledge of God

The Problem of Sin

Religion and the Gospel

The (True) Story of the Cross

The Reality of the Resurrection

The Dance of God

Where Do We Go from Here?