Back to Basics: Gospel Grace 2

So yesterday we talked about the definition of gospel. Today we’re going to be talking about a practical way that the Lord has been working that out in my daily life.

But first. News flash: I’m a sinner {Romans 3:23}. I know that very well. I know what I am and what I am capable of apart from Christ. But in Christ, I am a saint whose heart has been regenerated and who is being sanctified on a daily basis. “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ–by grace you have been saved.” {Ephesians 2:4-5}.

True story. I’m a saint that has been made alive. Yet sin continues to pop up in my heart on a daily basis. And where it does, I find grace. “Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more {Romans 5:20}. Previously I was blind to grace. Instead of accepting the free gift of grace, I would choose to waffle in guilt, self-condemnation, and self-loathing when any sin would surface. I didn’t know what to do with my sin. Even as a Christian!

That’s because I was on the crazy religious cycle.

Let me give you the Reader’s Digest background story: At some point in my early Christian life I started trying to earn God’s love and favor. I started trying to pay Him back for saving me and for all of the amazing things that He had done in my life. I felt like He had done enough for me on the cross and that it was a one time gift that I had already “redeemed” when I was saved. I did not understand that the cross was applicable to every day of my life. And…

Deep down, I just couldn’t accept that His grace was free and endless.

This crazy cycle continued for probably 7 years, friends. To the point where I decided I was done with God because I was tired. My religiosity had me on a roller coaster of highs and lows. When I perceived myself to be “doing well” and walking with Jesus I was extremely prideful. When I failed, I despaired. It was one or the other. Up. Down. Up. Down. He’s pleased with me. He hates me. He’s pleased with me. He hates me.

My relationship with my Father became an exhausting, never-ending petal-picking, “He loves me, He loves me not” distorted mess.

Three years ago when we started going to Mars Hill, I began to get a different message. A gospel message of grace. I was still a sinner. That was clear. And it was preached {thank God}. But there was always this message of grace that went along with it. There was this focus on the gospel and it’s impact on the here and now {not just my moment of salvation}. So seeds of gospel truth began to be planted. I had a lot that I needed to work through. Years of distortions, half-truths, and bold-faced lies from my enemy. But about eleven months ago the power of the gospel really started to resonate.

The more that I accepted that I was a sinner that sinned daily, the more I understood and appreciated daily grace.

Here’s what happens when we get gospel grace: we FALL IN LOVE with Jesus. We WORSHIP Jesus. We DRAW NEAR to Jesus. There’s no more pride from earning it ourselves because we get that we did NOTHING {Ephesians 2:8-9} and He did EVERYTHING {Colossians 2:13-14}. There’s no more despair from falling short, because we get that we have put on His righteousness, and His perfect record. The Father looks at me and sees Jesus. What?

There is joy. There is hope. There is peace. Friend, I love Jesus. It’s His kindness that leads me to repentance {Romans 2:4}. On a daily basis. Because His mercies are new every morning. “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” {Lamentations 3:22-23}.

So let’s get to it already, McKenzie. Am I right? Or am I right?

Here it is. Here’s my practical example. About two weeks ago I brought my schedule before Jesus. I was feeling tremendously convicted that I needed to repent of my selfishness. He’s showed me that FREE TIME was my idol as well as control of my schedule. It was rooted in fear that if I really surrender my schedule to Jesus I’ll lose all personal freedom and rest. I’ll have no time for myself, for my marriage, and even {get this} quiet time {note that I put myself first on the list}.

So that has practically played itself out in making excuses about spending time with people. It has played itself out in wanting to stay in more than go out with my husband {which is discouraging to him}. It has played itself out in days of complete and total laziness and waste. I was not being faithful with the things I was called to: my marriage, our ministry, our home, my coaching business, my blog, or my relationships. Yikes.

Historically this realization would have broken me. I would have spiraled into a deep despair and a season of walking away from/hiding from the Lord. I failed again. He was disappointed in me.

This time I repented in joy with hope of promised grace and newness of life.

Here’s my journal entry from November 30th:

“God’s disposition toward me does not change from one day to the next.” -B.B. Warfield

“I feel like you have given me this over-abundance of time in my schedule and free time has become my idol. I will sin to protect it. I have been lazy, I’ve lied and made excuses, I haven’t loved/helped/served my husband well or others and I’ve been miserable. I’ve been a recluse. I want to give my time to you (FREELY…NOT OUT OF OBLIGATION), and I ask that you lead me and show me where and how and what that looks like. Help me to be faithful now where you have me with the things and people you’ve placed in my life. Ignite a passion and a fervor by the power of your Holy Spirit and equip/enable/sustain me to persevere. Fill me with the passion and energy to do your will faithfully to YOUR GLORY, not my own. I surrender to you and thank you for forgiving me of my idolatry and selfishness and fear and control. I’m yours and all I have is yours. I want to be all in.”

And then I wrote out a few excerpts from Ephesians like this:

“And you were dead…

BUT GOD

made us alive together with Christ…

SO THAT

he might show the immeasurable riches of his GRACE in kindness.”

And then I closed my journal and moved on, friend. Free. No condemnation. No self-loathing. Believing that I had received grace that day for my idolatry, selfishness, fear, and control. That day. In that moment. The gospel was relevant to me. He died so I could put that sin to death. He was raised so I could get up from the table and walk in newness of life.

And I can tell you that He has totally met me and answered my prayers. His grace brings freedom. His kindness brings me to repentance, remember? Repentance is change. A 180 degree change. I don’t change myself. The grace of the gospel changes me. It’s not my job to fix my brokenness. It’s His job and it’s already been accomplished and finished on the cross.

In the last two weeks, the Lord has given me new passion and energy to serve Him in the areas He’s called me to serve Him. I wake up early {without an alarm—a modern miracle and marvel in and of itself}. I spent time in the Word. I’m productive and get things done around the house. I’ve pressed into my role as helper to Jason and have been supporting him through prayer. I’m more organized. I have recommitted myself to my relationships and friendships {not perfectly, but better by His grace}. I feel joy when I do these things. Old desires like sitting on the couch and watching TV or napping have lost their appeal. I’m excited about seeing people and going places and doing things.

I realize how enslaved I was to my false, broken idol of free time. I was literally submitting myself to a yoke of slavery. Our idolatry ALWAYS enslaves us. By protecting my idol {and worshipping it}, I was adding chains to my own shackles and living in misery. Ironically, instead of enjoying my free time like I thought I would, my days would end with me feeling worthless. Man.

Now I am walking in freedom. I’m not submitting my schedule to Him to earn His love {and if I start to try, the Holy Spirit meets me and convicts me}. I’m not doing it out of duty or obligation. No. Instead, I get to respond to my King’s kindness with obedience in my schedule. It’s ground breaking. It’s life giving. It’s amazing.

This is the power of the gospel played out on a daily basis.

And once you’ve experienced gospel grace you do NOT want to go back to religion. You want to continue to live in the freedom that Christ died for you to have. “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery” {Galatians 5:1}.

And when I have another lazy day or when I start to idolize free time or when I get fearful, there’s grace for that too. Available in an instant. Right then and there. There’s grace for that.

I pray for you today, friend, to know that grace. I pray for you to bring your sin before Him, believing that there is POWER in the gospel, and that your sin, whatever it may be, can be put to death RIGHT NOW, and the promise to walk in newness of life is available to you THIS VERY MOMENT. And His promises are always true and always good and always available. There is no expiration date. Not tomorrow or the next day or ten years from now or ever. So I pray for you tomorrow, friend, and the next day, and the next…to always know that very same grace. 

Oh, how I love Him. Praise His Holy Name.

Back from NY, New Series, and Almost 17 Weeks Along!

Howdy, friends.

Happy almost December. Phew, there has been a lot going on!!!

Jason and I are back from our annual trip to New York for Thanksgiving. We brought the dogs with us {of course}, and had an amazing time with my parents, grandma, and friends. I also got to meet a ton of you that read the blog and was really encouraged to know that you’ve been blessed through mcmiracle. Thank you for reading! Blogging is one of the things that I LOVE to do and when I get to hear how God has used it to challenge, grow or bless you, it is pretty humbling. Praise Jesus.

We’re also really excited about a new church plant in our hometown of Tacoma and what that means for reaching the City of Tacoma. Our community group is replicating this week, our church is announcing fundraising pledges this weekend towards meeting the goal of buying/renovating our new church building, and God is preparing hearts to be generous in preparation for the harvest He will have in this city. It gets me fired up! Your prayers would be very much appreciated {provision, leaders, workers, HARVEST}!!!

Before we left for New York things were really hectic, and I’ve genuinely missed blogging. So I’m back in black red, white and green to say goodbye to November and hello to December and give you updates on our Sweet Pea and the pregnancy {including a belly bump photo below} as well as some really humbling/cool things God has been doing in my heart.

Starting Monday, I’ll be doing a series called
“Back to Basics: Gospel Grace.”

For the last eleven months God has really been working in my heart to bring me back to the basics of the gospel. By this I mean that Christ died, was buried, and was raised from the dead for my sin. Because of His completed work on the cross I have been given not only eternal life, but power to put my sin to death and to walk in newness of life apart from works of the law/flesh {religion: striving to be a “good person” and earn God’s favor}. There is a freedom in the complicated simplicity {that’s right} of the gospel and I want to share some practical ways that Jesus has been revealing that to me. It will be a short 5 part series. I hope you’ll join me.

And now to a Sweet Pea Breaking News Update:

I’ve felt our little baby move!!! I’m almost 17 weeks along and have been feeling flutters for quite some time that I was pretty sure were the baby. But this last week while laying on the couch in the living room of my childhood home, I felt a pretty good “poke” or “jolt” and knew for sure it was the baby. Amazing! I continue to feel flutters and movement daily and know that it is just the beginning! I’ve been getting lots of “Enjoy your sleep now” from some of you.

I’ve been feeling better. I still get sick every now and then. I have some pretty hard-core headaches. I have some difficulty sleeping {buckle up, right?}. I definitely have crazy pregnancy brain. My friend from home, Barbi, tried to teach me Pinochle while I was home. Ay gadzooks! It’s a game where you have to remember cards that were played to gain an advantage. Yeah. About that. Wait. About what? What was I saying….?

We find out the sex of the baby at the end of December. We are having a combined 30th birthday party (Jason turned 30 this month and I turn 30 in January)/ Baby Gender Reveal party. We have invited some of our friends and family to join us and Jason and I will be finding out the gender at the same time as everybody else. I will certainly keep you posted. We find out December 28th. Family/Friend polls have weighed in somewhere around 85% boy, 15% girl. Jason and I have no clue and will obviously be so thankful either way. Here’s a photo of my little growing bump!

How amazing is our God that He creates life, sustains it, and brings it to pass? It dumbfounds me and I am astounded that this is happening inside of me. I feel so humbled and blessed to be granted this gift, as I know the heartache of not having it, losing it, and longing for it {not knowing if it will ever come}. I hope I never forget that heartache. And my heart still aches with those of you that I know and don’t know that are in that place. He is faithful. His plans are perfect. He sees you. He knows. He has not forgotten you.

While in New York I was talking to my dad and these words came out of my mouth: “It makes me sick to think who I would be if God had given me a child when I wanted.” Let me qualify that. I know that He could have. I know that He still would have pursued me. But I can tell you that being a mom was such an idol in my heart that had He given it to me, I cannot predict how hard my heart would have become towards Him. How self-sufficient and proud I would have been. How much of my identity would have been wrapped up in anything and everything other than Him. I don’t know how long it would have taken for Him to soften my heart and to get Him back on the throne.

When I said that to my dad, the five years of trying flashed through my mind and I started to weep. I LOVE JESUS and I thank Him with every fiber of my soul for EVERY SINGLE SECOND, MINUTE, HOUR, DAY, WEEK, and YEAR of our infertility struggles. You guys know that this Spurgeon gold nugget is one of my favorite quotes:

“I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.”

My wave is our infertility. I literally could kiss it because it threw me into the arms of my King. My Rock of Ages. These five years have brought rough tide after rough tide that threw me into that Rock. It wasn’t pretty. I rebelled. I cursed God and shook my fist in His face. I despaired. I gave up. I grew tired. I believed lies. I had wicked sin in my heart towards my Father. And yet He persisted. And yet He pursued. And yet He pressed in. And yet He wooed my broken heart.

My reward is Him. Not this child.

Please let that be clear. My reward is Jesus.

See you Monday.

A Work of Redemption

“You can’t love someone you need.” -Elyse Fitzpatrick

Hey everyone. Been quiet on the blog for the last few weeks. I’ve missed you. Everything is okay with our Sweet Pea. More than okay, thank you, Jesus. We celebrated 14 weeks today. We are out of the first trimester and moving toward the halfway point of this pregnancy. So overwhelmed with gratefulness. Will certainly give you some more updates this week, but for now I just want to acknowledge a work that the Lord is doing in my heart.

I’ve really struggled with approval of man my whole life. I’ve cared way too much about what people think of me. Cared way too much about how they perceived me. Placed way too much stock in their approval. In being liked. In being admired. In being trusted. In being included.

I needed people. I used people. I feared them. I was enslaved to them.

I’ve always known that I had fear of man, but God has really been revealing this to me the last several months. I started to realize that I didn’t want to be around people anymore. That I felt overwhelmed by them. That being around them left me completely and totally exhausted. I decided being a recluse might be a genuinely appealing option.

I couldn’t love people because I needed them.

So I started pleading with God to remove my idolatry of man. My fear of man. I asked Him to help me put and KEEP my identity in Him instead of in people or what they thought of me. I was tired of not loving well because I wanted to love and worship myself first and foremost above God and others. So I’ve been praying. And talking. And journaling. And reading. And praying. And pleading.

I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like a weight has been lifted.

What it is is answered prayer. I feel a huge burden has been removed. I know that this will be something I will need to daily depend on Jesus for throughout the rest of my life on this earth, but I honestly can tell you that He has shown me what it is to walk in freedom in this area. To see people for who they are and what they are saying instead of looking and listening for what benefits me

OR what they might be thinking of me

OR avoiding conversation for fear of their disapproval.

This is not an arrival. It’s just a work of redemption in my heart. It’s a heart that was sick with sin that has been set free from captivity. I see what it is to walk in freedom in the identity that Christ has given me and to love people with no ulterior motives. To walk confidently…not because of who I am or what I’ve done but because of who He is and what He’s done. Not because of my performance, but because of His perfect performance. Not because I’ve earned the approval of others, but because in Christ I am approved.

It’s pretty rad.

And I’m super grateful. And I just had to share with you. Please forgive me for not loving you well. Please forgive me for serving myself sometimes instead of serving you. Please forgive me for craving your approval instead of God’s. Please forgive me for being afraid of you and placing way too much stock in what you think about me. I’m ready to love you better because Christ has set me free. Praise be to God.

 

 

 

Pregnancy is Not My Identity

When you have a phone conversation with a friend on a Wednesday about identity, then go to church on Sunday and the sermon is about identity, and then go to a women’s conference where the speaker begins the talk on identity, it’s probably time to start paying attention.

God’s got the megaphone out.

And He’s calling my name. “Kate, pregnancy is not your identity. Neither is blogging. Or coaching. Or being married. Or your past sins. Or your future sins. Or your career. Or your finances. Or your ministry. Or your church. Or your appearance. Or your future kids. Or anything other than me.”

I know that.

I mean, I do. I know that my identity is supposed to be in Christ. But, pardon me, what the heck does that even mean? I’ve been saying it for the last ten years, but I know in my SOUL that I don’t live it on a daily basis. We’ll get to the why later. But even before the “why?”, I have to understand the “what?”

So I went to Ephesians 1. And picked a few things out of this passage:

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7 In him we haveredemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. 11 In him we have obtainedan inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12 so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. 13 In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is the guaranteeof our inheritance until we acquire possession of it,to the praise of his glory. (Ephesians 1:3-14)

My identity is that I am:

• -blessed in Christ
• -blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places
• -chosen before the foundation of the world
• -holy
• -blameless
• -predestined in love for adoption as a child through Jesus Christ
• -predestined according to the purpose of His will
• -predestined to the praise of His glorious grace
• -blessed in the Beloved
• -redeemed by His blood
• -forgiven
• -lavished by the riches of His grace
• -given wisdom and insight to know the mystery of the gospel
• -united to Him
• -given a guaranteed inheritance
• -sealed with the promise of the Holy Spirit
  
  At the conference this weekend, the speaker talked about the gospel becoming “white noise” to us. She likened it to a period in her life where she lived by a major highway. At first, she heard the traffic every day. Over time, it continued to blare in the background, but she became so accustomed to it she no longer really heard it. That can be the gospel to us. That can happen when we read a list like the one above. In light of that, please read the list again. Heck, take each thing and journal through it over the next several weeks. Get on your face and ask Him to help you believe it. Tattoo it on your freaking forehead, friend. Do something.I know. I know. We’ve heard those words. We know it. But do we “know” it? I’d wager that we do not. I do not. Because if I “knew” it, I’d live very differently. Free. I’d live free. Secure. Confident. Not for myself. Not for the approval of others. Not to gain my own glory. But I’d live free.
  
  So, in addition to the white noise, I think two other things get in the way of us believing that our identity is in Christ. Sin and shame. Unconfessed sin keeps me separated from God. In hiding. Like Adam and Eve. Shame over my own sin and the sins committed against me also keep me separated from God. Both have me believe that God couldn’t really love me. The root is unbelief. That God really isn’t as kind and forgiving and merciful as He says He is. That I have to clean myself up before I can approach His throne.

  Nothing could be further from the truth. Jesus took my sin (Isaiah 53:5) and bore my shame (Hebrews 12:2) on the cross. I was chosen (1 Peter 2:9) and adopted (Romans 8:15) before I cleaned myself up, while I was yet in sin (Romans 5:8), and while I was still a child of wrath (Ephesians 2:2-3) and an enemy of God (James 4:4). I did nothing to earn it (Ephesians 2:8). He gave me new identity in Him. Period. I am chosen, adopted, blessed, redeemed, forgiven, righteous, loved. Period.

  I want to GET THIS, friend. I want to believe it, walk in it, and live it for the rest of my life. I need the Holy Spirit to regenerate my heart and renew my mind. I need Him to enable me to trust and believe that I am who God says I am. That nothing can change or decrease or increase His love for me. So I’m praying and really asking for help with this. I know that if my identity is not in Christ, my idolatry will become my identity. I can and will find anything and anyone else to get my value from (ie pregnancy). So I am praying and journaling through this and asking Him for help. I want my identity to be found “In Christ Alone.”

  In Christ alone my hope is found
  He is my light, my strength, my song
  This Cornerstone, this solid ground
  Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

  What heights of love, what depths of peace
  When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
  My Comforter, my All in All
  Here in the love of Christ I stand

  In Christ alone, who took on flesh
  Fullness of God in helpless Babe
  This gift of love and righteousness
  Scorned by the ones He came to save

  ‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
  The wrath of God was satisfied
  For every sin on Him was laid
  Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

  There in the ground His body lay
  Light of the world by darkness slain
  Then bursting forth in glorious Day
  Up from the grave He rose again

  And as He stands in victory
  Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
  For I am His and He is mine
  Bought with the precious blood of Christ

  No guilt in life, no fear in death
  This is the power of Christ in me
  From a life’s first cry to final breath
  Jesus commands my destiny

  No power of hell, no scheme of man
  Could ever pluck me from His hand
  ‘Til He returns or calls me home
  Here in the power of Christ I stand

  Where do you go for identity and what would it look like to believe what Christ says about you?

Our Third Ultrasound

This was a big one. We were pretty sure that if there was no twin, then we were having one baby and not two.

This final ultrasound was with our doctor again. He came into the room, greeted us, and did the ultrasound. And there was our baby. Just one. But perfect. Growing. Heart beating. Resembling a baby more. The heartbeat was 173bpm. The measurements were right on target. The doctor was very happy.

This time there was no mention of Baby B at all.

I didn’t ask. And he didn’t say anything. Neither did Jason. We just asked questions about the baby we could see. I sort of feel like my eyes were opened more wide to the miracle in front of me and a burden was lifted off of my shoulders. Jason and I both felt like this was the first ultrasound where we were able to solely focus on, and celebrate Baby A. Our only baby. It was as if God prepared our hearts. We really had peace.

And we had joy. He/she was just perfect! I said, “Can you ever see them move at this stage {8 weeks, 3 days}?” Just as I said that, the baby moved! The doctor said, “Whoa! You called it! That’s unusual!” And then he/she moved again. It was the coolest thing ever. I think we could see tiny little arm and leg buds. And the head was much more clearly defined. We could see the umbilical cord and everything. Wow. Such a miracle. Such growth in such a short time! Here’s the special picture of our Sweet Pea at 8 weeks 3 days old:

And that was it. Our final appointment at the fertility doctor. I tried to express our thankfulness to our doctor. We literally love him. He has been such a blessing to us in the midst of some really dark and trying times. I said, “Thank you. Thank you so much. You’ve been such a blessing. We are so thankful for you.” Of course, tears were streaming down my face. He said, “You know, there are some cases that are just special, and I just couldn’t be happier for you guys. You are going to make amazing parents. Sincerely.” And he shook our hands, and told us to bring the baby in for a visit when it arrives, and with that he was out.

We graduated.

I remember the first time walking into that building. I was so sad. And even ashamed. I was embarrassed. Like something was wrong with me. With us. Like we needed to hang our heads. I remember looking at the other couples there too. They looked sad. I wondered where they were on their journey. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be “an infertile.” I just wanted to have a baby on our own.

As we walked out of that building, everything has changed. We are so grateful. We are so sure and confident that this is the road we were meant to be on. We are encouraged and blessed beyond belief that God entrusted us with infertility so that He could make much of His name through our story. I just wept all the way to the parking lot because I am so grateful and because I love Jesus so much. We are so in love with Jesus. Not being able to have kids when we wanted caused us to fall madly, deeply, and completely in love with our Savior. I’d walk back into that building a MILLION MORE TIMES if I knew that would be the result. He is good. He is so good.

Tomorrow I’m going to post some pictures of the baby’s growth over the last three weeks side by side as well as my belly growth! Who knew things would be growing so quickly? It’s all very exciting, friend. Very exciting, indeed!

The Two Week Wait

Well, it wasn’t two weeks for us. We walked out of the transfer on Thursday, August 23rd. We scheduled our follow up blood test for Monday, September 3rd. That was exactly twelve days. Add to that the fact that I couldn’t wait to take a home pregnancy test any longer than Friday, August 31st, and we actually only had to wait eight days to find out we were pregnant!!! But I’ll get to that tomorrow.

That said, those eight days still felt like an eternity. I had a really hard time waiting. It was interesting because we had been through it once before with the least favorable outcome becoming the reality. We lost the babies last time. Because of that, I think I fooled myself into thinking it would be easier this time than last time. After all, we had already been through it. Jesus had carried us through. God was good to us in grief. We were still breathing and living. So this time I started to depend on my own strength instead of Jesus. I even sort of hid from God in fear because I didn’t know what I would do if it didn’t work this time. I was afraid that I would be too hurt “by Him” to recover. I think I wanted to trust Him, but in hind sight, I was afraid.

Fear is a natural result of idolatry. When I started to put the value of my babies lives higher than the reality of God’s goodness, my foundation became sinking sand. And when you’re on sinking sand anything can happen and your hope is in the results. And because of that life is filled with fear and anxiety. If the outcome does not turn out how you had “hoped” than hope is dead. I had to do some serious repenting for not trusting Jesus and for not placing my hope in Him alone. I had to ask for forgiveness for hiding from Him. He is kind. He is patient. He is quick to forgive and merciful. He speaks tenderly to me and uses His surgeon’s scalpel cautiously and skillfully. He gives me grace. Sometimes more grace than I give myself. I need His help with that. The reality is He knew how hard this two week wait would be for me. And He was willing to be there with me every minute. He pursued me even when I wasn’t pursuing Him. Even when I was scared and hiding. I love Him.

So it was a hard, but GOOD two weeks (okay, eight days). Because God is GOOD and He uses trial to test our faith and this is more precious than gold. More precious than babies, even.

Come back tomorrow and I’ll share the story of how we found out we were pregnant and the video of me telling Jason in “The Double Line.”

Hope for the Hopeless Wicked Wife

I need to set you straight, Oh Blog Reading Friend O’Mine. You know, lest you think it’s all sunshine and rainbows here at our house. Here’s what this series, “Wicked Wife,” was not meant to do. It was not meant to convey a sense of one-sided wickedness. I am not {and Jason would whole-heartedly agree} the only wicked spouse in this union. If you remember, in my post “The on the Way to Church Fight,” I talked about the fact that God was working on Jason too. That Jason is a sinner too. That he brings his own stuff into our relationship.

So that means your husband is a sinner too. I pray that your husband knows and loves Jesus and is walking in continual worship and repentance and obedience. But I get it. That’s not the case for everyone. A few years ago that certainly wasn’t the case for me. And I had literally lost all hope.

I’m just feeling super led to write to those of you who feel hopeless that your husband will ever change. Those of you that feel hopeless that your husband will ever love and serve the Lord. Those of you that feel hopeless that you will ever be loved, protected, served, and cherished like God designed you to be.

Take heart, friend. There IS hope.

Your hope is not in your husband. Or in his change. Or in you. Or in your change. It’s not in systems or plans or improved behavior or church attendance or accountability partners or Bible reading. It’s in Jesus Christ alone. In the God of the impossible {Luke 1:37}. In the God that changes hearts of stone to hearts of flesh {Ezekiel 36:26}. In the God that literally causes us to be born again into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. A living hope. You catch that? Alive. Not dead.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.” {1 Peter 1:3}

If God can raise His dead, crucified Son from the grave, He can raise your hope from the grave as well. He can raise your husband up out of his sin. He can raise your marriage up out of the tomb. Acts 2:24 literally says, “God raised him up, loosing the pangs of death, because it was not possible for him to be held by it.” Death couldn’t hold Jesus. And because of Jesus, death can’t hold your husband. Or your marriage. Do you believe that? If you don’t, repent to God of your unbelief and ask Him to increase your faith! What a great prayer.

In Mark 9:22-24, we see a father who has brought his son with an unclean spirit before Jesus. He asks Jesus to heal the son “IF” he can. We see him pray this very same prayer.

“‘But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.’ And Jesus said to him, ‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.’ Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, ‘I believe; help my unbelief!'”

Oh Wicked Wives, there’s hope. Just like there was hope for us. All things are possible. God has justified us to Himself if we are in Christ. He has called us to repentance, He has removed our sin, He has lavished us with grace. He has done it through Jesus. He can do the same with your husband if you husband doesn’t yet know and love Jesus. He did it with you. Crazy, right? Miracle, right? He’s still doing miracles. He’s still changing hearts. He’s got it, friend. Be encouraged by this verse from Romans 5:

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” {Romans 5:1-5}

Yes, we’re wicked. But so are our husbands. Yes, we need to repent and let the Holy Spirit change. But so do our husbands. The kicker? You can’t be responsible for your husband’s change. Nor can you nag him towards change. Nor can you manipulate him towards change. Or bribe him. Or threaten him. If you’re in an abusive situation, if your husband is leading you into sin, breaking the law, being violent or abusive, you need to get help immediately from the authorities and from the leadership of your church. God does not call you to put yourself or your children in harm’s way. He has provided systems and authorities to protect you. But if the sin that we’re talking about with your husband does not fit in the above categories, then you are called to love and serve and pray and wait on the Lord. You are not the Holy Spirit. You are not your husband’s Savior. All you can do is be obedient to repent of your own sin, to follow and love the Lord, and to trust Him to be the one to change your husband.

Most importantly, do not overlook your own sin because you are so focused on his. Mistake of mistakes. Been there. Done that. Got the heartache. And, finally, sweet friend, ask Jesus to help you hope. I mean it.

You can have hope. And “hope does not put us to shame.”

Don’t give up, friend. Don’t give up.

**This is the 8th post in the “Wicked Wife” series.**

Professional Parking Consultant

I’m a psychopath really. For the last seven-ish years I have been trying to tell Jason where to park and how to park. Pretty much wherever we go. This is not an exaggeration for the purpose of a more interesting post. I literally should have just made myself a official business card and handed it to Jason on our wedding day.

We’ve finally gotten to a place {miracle of miracles} that we can laugh about it. The other day, he just started making fun of me. “I’m so thankful for you. I never really knew that the objective of parking was to try and find the closest spot to the building. I’m soooo glad you’re here to teach me that!”

Let me give you some examples.

Last summer we went to Vancouver, B.C. with my parents. We were parking in a parking garage with tight spaces. Jason was driving. But you never would have guessed that since I was loudly voicing my parking expertise as he tried to navigate the space. Pick this one. No this one. No, not that one. That’s too tight. That’s too far. This one is perfect. No you cut it too tight to the left. Back up. Straighten your wheel. I can’t remember if it was indeed that bad, that controlling, that horrifying…but it was bad enough that he stopped the car halfway through parking and with my parents in the backseat looked at me and said, “Do you want to drive?” The look that accompanied the question did not indicate that he was in any way thankful for my “help.” I’d like to say that I repented right then and there. Nope. We walked to the meter. Paid for the parking. Went back to the car. Put the sticker back in it. Walked a few blocks to the movie theater. Watched a movie. Maybe there was some repentance after that. To tell you the truth I can’t even remember.

Four months ago we were driving by our doctor’s office to go park outside and pray for our embryos before our transfer. He pulled into a spot a little bit to the right {like 2 spaces} of where I wanted to be. Because I wanted to be directly in line with the sign for the building. Not two spaces to the right. Duh. So I told him what to do. Obviously. Doesn’t everyone know you need to park exactly across from the letters for the building? Good thing he has me to help him get it right.

As you can imagine, Jason got to a point where he really didn’t even enjoy being in the car with me and going places.

That breaks my heart.

Now we laugh about it and when we pull into a lot I keep my mouth shut. And surprise, surprise, the man knows how and where to park! It’s like I’ve retired from my long term career as a professional parking consultant. He even said, “Wow, you’re not telling me to park anymore. I like it.”

I don’t know if you’re a parking nazi. If you’re not, I hope you will be careful to not dismiss my story because you aren’t controlling towards your husband when it comes to parking the car. But don’t overlook other areas of your life. This was one are where I struggled. I have more {Gasp. What? Shock! Horror.} Chances are you’ve got yours. The places where you have to be in control. Where you run the show. Where you may literally be making your husband feel like an idiot and completely disrespecting him and demeaning him as a man. As his partner. If you don’t know where that may be, I’d say you probably have a blind spot. I bet your husband can tell you. Are you courageous enough to ask? To repent of your sin of control or pride or selfishness? To ask your husband and God for forgiveness? Do you believe there’s grace for that? do you believe that Jesus can put that sin to death?  I do. I know because He did. And He does.

Here’s a hard question: in the midst of surrendering your need to control, do you trust God enough to work on your husband {since you can’t change him or fix him or train him}? Do you trust God enough to be in control? Are you willing to admit that you’re not the fourth member of the Trinity and you don’t really have the sovereignty you thought you did? If not, why? What are you afraid of? Have you talked to Jesus about it? About your fears? Your hesitancy to surrender control? I bet He’ll listen. Why?

Because Jesus is real. Jesus is good. Jesus is in control.

I promise you. I know because I’m proof of that. And my marriage is proof of that.

Come back tomorrow and we’ll start talking about hope and what’s different now for Jason and I as a result of knowing Jesus and experiencing God’s grace.

**This is the 7th post in the “Wicked Wife” series.**

What I Wish I Would Have Known About Repentance

“I’m sorry.”

No I wasn’t. I really wasn’t. I mean, 99.9% of the time I didn’t mean it. I just wanted to end the fight. I couldn’t even usually remember what we were fighting about. I knew I was right. But he’d never get it because he {haha} was stubborn and prideful. So I’d wave the white flag of surrender, and sometimes even feel pretty dang good about it.

“I’m the bigger person,” I’d say to myself.

Frequently I’d find myself in the same situation a few days or weeks later. Unapologetically apologizing. One of my favorite go to’s:

“I’m sorry that you took it the wrong way.”

Or…

“I’m sorry!”

{said defensively AND offensively at the same time}.

I had NO IDEA how to be repentant. I had no idea why repentance was so important. To be honest with you, I didn’t even know what repentance was. Oh sure, I knew it was in the Bible. Mainly I thought of a super hairy and burly John the Baptizer coming out of the woods with honey on his shirt and a cricket leg hanging out of his mouth, saying, “Repent and be baptized.” But to tell you the truth, I really did not have any sort of practical, daily application for repentance. So I had to start with a definition. I had to get what the crap it was in order to be able to do it. So let’s start with 2 Corinthians 7:10:

“For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.”

Here’s what repentance is: “Because Jesus died for our sin, we can put sin to death by the power of the Holy Spirit.” {Real Marriage, 88} It’s a 180 degree turn that comes from godly sorrow over our sin. It allows us to walk out our salvation without regret. Worldly grief {everything I described above} leads to death. Our pastor talked about this during the Real Marriage series. He said, “You don’t fall out of love. You fall out of repentance.” This leads to the death of your marriage.

One of the best explanations of what repentance is NOT comes from “Real Marriage” by Mark and Grace Driscoll. Here is the list as well as some questions posed in the book:

Repentance is not getting caught but coming clean.

What does your spouse not know about you?

Repentance is not denying our sin.

What sin is in your life and your marriage that you have simply not accepted as sin that has to be dealt with honestly?

Repentance is not diminishing our sin.

What have you partially confessed without telling thew whole truth about? What have you downplayed as a minor sin that if not put to death will only grow to damage your marriage greatly?

Repentance is not managing our sin.

What sin are you trying to keep under control or not let your spouse or other people you respect see?

Repentance is not blame shifting our sin.

What ways have you blamed others for your sin rather than accepting responsibility for it? Who or what do you, like Adam and Eve in the garden, blame–God, your spouse, your parents, the culture, your personality, stress?

Repentance is not excusing our sin.

What excuses do you most commonly use to justify and excuse your sin?

Repentance is not about someone else’s sin.

When conversing with your spouse, which sins of theirs are you most apt to bring up, rather than speaking about your own sins?

Repentance is not about manipulating people or God for blessing.

In the past, how have you faked true repentance in an effort not to put your sin to death out of true sorrow, but rather in an effort to manipulate God or people to bless you for being a good person?

Repentance is not worldly sorrow.

Even non-Christians can and do feel bad about their sin but do not see it as an offense against God and do not hate it out of love for Him and others. Have you simply shed a few tears, looked sad, and said you were sorry, but not really repented?

Repentance is not solely grieving the consequences of your sin but is hating the evil of the sin itself.

How have you lamented the consequences of your sin and what it has cost you but not truly come to hate it, fight it, war against it, and put it to death?

Repentance is not mere confession.

How many times have you said you were sorry with no real, deep, heartfelt commitment to change, and what confusion has this caused your spouse?

It’s super important that we understand that we all sin. Like we talked about, sin is a word that seems to cause people to bristle today. To call something “sin” seems self-deprecating. What about your self-esteem??? But in fact, repentance is the most freeing thing you’ll ever do if you then bring your sin to Jesus {the only one that can put it to death}. Maybe we need a refresher on what God considers to be sin? I could have used a Sin 101 course, because in the early stages of our marriage, I was the world’s only exception to Romans 3:23. The sins listed in the Bible include: evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice, envy, murder, strife, deceit, idolatry, maliciousness, gossip, hating God, insolence, haughtiness, pride, inventing evil, disobedience to parents, foolishness, faithlessness, heartlessness, ruthlessness, slander, impurity, covetousness, lying. {Matthew 15:19; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; 1 Timothy 1:9-10; Romans 1:21-31}

This list is by no means exhaustive, but it is exhausting.

And it’s meant to be. Because none of us can live a life of moral perfection. Every one of us sins. Sin is anything that separates us in our relationship with God. Friend, please don’t be like I was and look at this list and immediately jump to the sins of others. Please don’t start promoting your own goodness or self-righteousness in your mind. Please don’t start weighing your good deeds to tip the scales in your favor. Look in the mirror and call a spade a space. Name your sin. Let Jesus set you free. Acknowledge that you lie to get what you want, you have evil thoughts toward your husband. Admit that you gossip and slander your husband. Recognize that you can be foolish and disobedient with the fiances. Be willing to hear what Jesus said—that if you look lustfully on another man you have already committed adultery in your heart. Or if you hate your husband, you have committed murder. I know that I am guilty of every single thing on this list. And not just 3 years ago. Three minutes ago.

Just now, my husband was laying next to me in bed falling asleep as he was trying to read his Bible. Not me…I’m up blogging, studying God’s Word, sharing Truth with others. Look at me go. I’m so amazing. WHAM! Holy Spirit conviction. I’m disgusting. So prideful. So gross. So desperate for Jesus. How about you? How’s it going for you living in denial about your sin?

The good news is that because Jesus died we can put our sin to death by the power of the Holy Spirit who enables us to walk in repentance. Practically speaking, we now know what repentance is NOT, so what IS repentance? Well, continuing out of “Real Marriage,” Mark then goes on to say that true repentance includes a COMBINATION of the following things:

Repentance includes confession.

In confession, you agree with God that you have sinned. Confession includes both your mind and your mouth.

Repentance includes contrition.

In contrition, you feel what God feels about your sin. Confession includes both your emotions and expressions. Your heart is affected, not just your words.

Repentance includes change.

In change, you stop sinning and start worshipping Jesus. Change includes your will and works.

What a helpful resource, right? I wish I would have known all the things that repentance was not. I wish I would have known the combination of things: confession, contrition, and change that cause true repentance. I wish I wouldn’t have been so filled with selfishness, ulterior motives, impatience and pride that led to worldly sorrow. But I was. And like we talked about yesterday, there was grace for that. And also like we talked about, I now understand the bitterness of my sin and it breaks my heart.

I will never forget the first time I cried over sin that I had committed against Jason. It literally tore my heart into pieces.

And that moment was made possible because Jesus died for my sin {and yours} and I {we} can now put my {our} sin to death by the power of the Holy Spirit. And that’s why I love and worship Jesus. Because He’s brought me to repentance. And true repentance leads to change. And being repentant allows me to love and serve my husband the way God intended.

But ultimately, repentance enables me to bring glory to Jesus.

See! It’s all about Jesus. Repentance isn’t just so I can be good. Repentance isn’t just so my marriage can be good. It’s so God can be glorified through me to my husband. Through our marriage to the world. It’s not about us. It’s not about me. It’s about Jesus. It’s not about you, friend. Or your marriage either. It’s about Jesus.

I’m so excited to tell you what ALL OF THIS has looked like practically for us the last few years. But before that, I’ve got another knee-slapper story, “Professional Parking Consultant,” for you tomorrow about my pride landing me flat on my face {once again} in wicked wivery!

In the meantime, I would absolutely love to hear some of your stories on repentance. Where is God calling you to repent right now? Where have you had to repent in the past? Single ladies…how is your obedience to repent in your relationships {family, friends, co-workers} now preparing you for marriage?

**This is the sixth post in the “Wicked Wife” series.**

For further reading, this article, “Godly grief produces repentance” is an adapted version of Charles Spurgeon’s “Morning and Evening” posted on marshill.com.

What I Wish I Would Have Known About Grace

“Grace Alone”

I was an orphan lost at the fall
Running away when I’d hear you call
But Father, you worked your will
I had no righteousness of my own

I had no right to draw near your throne
But Father, you loved me still
And in love before you laid the world’s foundation
You predestined to adopt me as your own

You have raised me up so high above my station
I’m a child of God by grace and grace alone
You left your home to seek out the lost
You knew the great and terrible cost

But Jesus, your face was set
I worked my fingers down to the bone
Nothing I did could ever atone
But Jesus, you paid my debt

By your blood I have redemption and salvation
Lord, you died that I might reap what you have sown
And you rose that I might be a new creation
I am born again by grace and grace alone

I was in darkness all of my life
I never knew the day from the night
But Spirit, you made me see
I swore I knew the way on my own

Head full of rocks, a heart made of stone
But Spirit, you moved in me
At your touch my sleeping spirit was awakened
On my darkened heart, the light of Christ has shone

Called into a kingdom that cannot be shaken
Heaven’s citizen by grace and grace alone

So I stand in faith by grace and grace alone
I will run the race by grace and grace alone
I will slay my sin by grace and grace alone
I will reach the end by grace and grace alone
(Taken from MarsHill.com)

I mean, that pretty much sums it up. I wish I would have understood grace more clearly before getting married. I wish I would have known that when I did the things I didn’t want to do {in my marriage and all of life} or when I didn’t do the things I did want to do, that only grace could change me. That only by accepting Jesus’ completed work on the cross could I be a better wife and not by working my fingers down to the bone in an effort to change myself. That I could put on Jesus’ righteousness simply because He’s given it to me. Not because I earned it. That all of my striving apart from grace was useless.

To be able to actually “see the gospel by despairing of my own efforts.”

I love these three lines:

Lord, you died that I might reap what you have sown
And you rose that I might be a new creation
I am born again by grace and grace alone

I wish I would have known that His death, His burial, and His resurrection {a.k.a. the gospel} were my only hope to being the wife God called me to be. Because if I had gotten that, I would have deeply valued grace. As we talked about yesterday, we need to understand the bitterness of sin to appreciate the sweetness of grace. And I also would have been much more willing and able to extend grace to my husband out of the grace that Jesus had so lavishly poured out on me. When we start to understand grace, we become more gracious wives instead of living like the unmerciful servant in unforgiveness.

21 “Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. 23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servantfell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundreddenarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:21-34)

How can we be forgiven of such a costly debt {all our sin} and yet turn around and choke our husbands out for their sin? If we accept Jesus’ grace, how can we not extend grace to our husbands? For me, it was because I didn’t really believe I was that bad of a sinner, didn’t understand that each sin killed Jesus, and didn’t get or appreciate grace.

Thankfully, by grace, I’m getting it now. Most of the time. And when I don’t, and I fall short, there’s grace. Crazy talk.

So I stand in faith by grace and grace alone
I will run the race by grace and grace alone
I will slay my sin by grace and grace alone
I will reach the end by grace and grace alone

So far in this series we’ve talked about what I wish I would have known About Jesus, sin, and grace before getting married. Come back tomorrow as we discuss my final “wish”: “What I Wish I Would Have Known About Repentance.” Then, stay tuned for another funny story {in addition to “The On the Way to Church Fight”} of me falling flat on my face and also an update on where we are now and what’s different.

**This is the fifth post in the “Wicked Wife” series.**

What I Wish I Would Have Known About Sin

“I’ve got some issues I’m working through.”

“I’ve made some mistakes.”

“I messed up.”

“I did something wrong.”

“It’s just my personality.”

We really don’t like the word “sin,” do we? We avoid it like the plague. Mistakes. Errors. Issues. Fancy dressed up words trying to masquerade themselves as less of a big deal. In an effort to paint ourselves in a better light. To be good people. To tip the scales in our favor. Sin just sounds so final. So severe.

Because…well, it is.

“For the wages of sin is death.” (Romans 3:23a)

No sugarcoating that. Sin destroys and kills. Our relationship with God. Our relationship with others. And for Jason and I, sin nearly killed our marriage. Ironically, it happened when neither of us were “sinning.” Or so we thought. Both of us figured we were good. I had met Jesus and thought that salvation was more of a “one and done” deal and that I’d walk forward in newness of life for the rest of my life as a pretty stellar woman of God.

Trumpets, please!

Jason thought he was a good boy. Had pretty much always followed the rules. Made good decisions. Never really rebelled. Good to go, as they say. So, imagine that. Two sinners. In denial. Living together. For the rest of their lives.

Drumroll, please!

Yeah. It didn’t work. Very quickly we found ourselves frustrated. Because if I just talk about messing up and he just talks about his issues and we don’t call sin “sin”, then we don’t know how to fix it, where to go with it, or what to do about it. Awesome. We both try to fix ourselves, change our behavior, and live better for the other person. It works for 5.2 seconds, and then we’re back chasing our own tails again. Infuriating. I’m frustrated with myself. I’m frustrated with him. He’s frustrated with himself. He’s frustrated with me. Til death do us part. Is this what we signed up for?

What I wish I knew was that I was a sinner.

Not just when I met Jesus and acknowledged Him as Lord, but EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I wish I would have acknowledged my bitterness, my anger, my selfishness, my idolatry, my jealousy, and my fears as sin. I wish I would have called a spade a spade instead of trying to do the 10 step self-help fix it plan. By step seven I always knew we were screwed. “Let be real.” More like step 3.

In a culture that deeply values “self-esteem” calling myself a sinner seems self-deprecating and a bit severe.

In reality, calling myself a sinner is freeing because it forces me to the end of myself. Recognizing that I am not intrinsically a good person is liberating because it points me away from myself and toward the only person that was completely and totally good (perfect, in fact). Acknowledging that I am ungodly and incapable of walking well with Jesus is the best thing I could ever do. I wish I would have grasped and walked in this freedom when I was first married.

About three years into our marriage I had to learn a hard, but liberating reality. That reality is this: if I could not accept and confess that I was {and, let there be no doubt, still am} a sinner, I would never need a Savior. What’s the point? If I could live a good life of moral perfection on my own {what the law requires}, then Jesus didn’t have to die {Galatians 2:20-21}. So without a living, saving, redeeming, reconciling {on the daily} Savior I was resigned to self-help plans that did not bring any long-term, true, heart-level transformation. But slapping Sponge-Bob band-aids on gaping wounds and deeply rooted sin worked perfectly well for us. Yeah. Good luck with that. Give it that a go. Let me know how it works out for ya’. My bet is on Jesus. Not you. Not me. Friend, the reality is we gotta be broken by our sin, so we will fall in love with Jesus {because of what He did for us} before we can even attempt to do anything well on this earth.

“Til sin be bitter, Christ will not be sweet.”
-Thomas Watson

My sin had to break me. Disgust me. Destroy me. I had to see it for what it was. I had to realize that I was literally a wicked wife. Not a wonderful one. Acknowledging my sin brought me to the foot of the cross. Where I found grace. Amazing grace. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow when I post “What I Wish I Had Known About Grace.”

Click here for further reading…super interesting 2008 USA Today article entitled, “Has the ‘notion of sin’ been lost?”

**This is the fourth post in the “Wicked Wife” series.**

What I Wish I Would Have Known about Jesus

I got a private message yesterday from someone that I love {you know who you are} who had read yesterday’s post {“The on the Way to Church Fight”} and who said, “I wish we would have had more talks like that when we were getting married.”

I get it.

Don’t you? I think an overwhelming majority of those of us that are married, if we were honest, would say we were super ill equipped and ill prepared for marriage. TV and Movies {thanks, Disney} do a stellar job of showing us what realistic relationships look like. Bahahahahaaha! Yeah, right. I mean, really. For example: Can someone please tell me what the next days and weeks and months look like for all our Disney Princesses? After the “And they lived happily ever after?” Does Cinderella get mad at Prince Charming for not opening the pumpkin door now that they’re married? Or does the prince come home from work to find a crazed Rapunzel having a bad hair day {that would technically be a REALLY bad hair day} and screaming at him about not taking out the garbage? Does Ariel give Eric the silent treatment for a day and a half because he doesn’t understand her and how much she hates shaving her new legs?

We sorta get set up for failure.

Okay, not sorta. Culture {and our own flesh} deceives us into believing that once we get married life will be fulfilling, harmonious, romantic, and perfect. So what happens when it isn’t? When you sin against each other? When you lie? When you cheat? When you are angry? When you intentionally push each other’s buttons? When the words of your spouse or the words you say to your spouse are straight-up-wicked?

Well if you’re a good person {like I was} on team Jesus {more like Jesus was lucky to be on team Kate}, then everything is your husband’s fault and you can slam him behind his back, you can grow bitter and resentful {and therefore distant} in your heart, you can cut him off sexually, you can disrespect him and tear him down, and you can live with a big fat finger pointed directly in his face.

It’s called self-righteousness.

Or, you can Jesus.

Yeah you read that right. You can Jesus. Jesus. That’s it. That’s the answer. Not a 10 step plan. Not the Word. Not church. Not community. It has to start with Jesus. It has to be first and foremost about Jesus. You have to love and worship and obey Jesus. You have to fall flat on your face before the throne of grace and accept the craziest, most baffling, most amazing gift ever: Jesus.

He lived the life I could not live. He died the death I should have died. He rose from the grave and got a victory over sin that I could not get.

Oh, I would have told you that I knew that. But I did not KNOW that. Do you feel me? I think this is sorta common in the church. We hear the gospel. We know it. But we don’t know its absolute infinite and practical value in the day-to-day. I didn’t. I did not know in my marrow that I was a sinner (more on that tomorrow). I did not know that I needed a Savior more than just the day of my salvation when I was 17. I did not know what to do with sin that continued to pop up in my life. I did not even know that some of it was sin. I had NO IDEA that my overwhelming self-righteousness {“Jesus is so lucky to have me on his team”} was a stench in God’s nostrils. In fact, I thought he was pretty impressed with me.

No.

He wasn’t.

And I needed to know that I had a Savior that kept on saving. That because of his death, burial, and resurrection, I had power to put my sin to death. To walk in newness of life. To be set free from the bondage and slavery of pride, self-righteousness, jealousy, anger, bitterness, selfishness, control, etc., etc., etc. I wish I would have known that Jesus was practical for me from day 1 of my marriage. And day 2. And day 3.

“And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.”

Nailed to the cross. I wish I would have known that Jesus nailed the sins in my heart against my husband to the cross and that he literally cancelled my debt and set it aside. What? That’s crazy talk. But to be honest, before I could really appreciate Jesus for Jesus {and my desperate need for him}, I had to get the depth of my own sinful nature and understand just how wicked my heart really was.

So come back on Monday when I share “What I Wish I Would Have Known About Sin.” Yay. Sounds amazing, right?

**This is the third post in the “Wicked Wife” series.**

“The on the Way to Church Fight”

Perfect timing.

It’s Sunday. We’re on our way to church. Excited to go worship Jesus. Happy to be together. The sun is shining. The bees are buzzing. The birds are chirping. There’s a cool breeze flowing in my hair through the open window. Picture perfect. With my best friend.

So let’s have a fight.

That’s usually how it goes, right? You intentionally pick a fight to ruin a spectacular moment? Wrong. Although, I must confess it has been done before by this sassy lass. But that wasn’t the case yesterday. Either Jason was being really kind and giving me content for my first blog post in my “Wicked Wife” series, or God just has a great sense of humor. Or I’m a sinner. Definitely option C and a little of Option B.

It’s that perfect timing that fights always never have. Get that? Always never. Our fight yesterday wasn’t a knock-down-drag-out-blow-up sort of deal, but it was super unpleasant and left us with a lingering crummy feeling as we headed into church. The topic isn’t important, but I will give you the general details.

Jason was trying to figure something out. He needed me to answer a question to help him figure out what he was trying to figure out. The question he asked me {in my perfect opinion} was not actually the question he needed to ask to get the information he needed {cause I knew what information he needed because I am a mind reader}. So I told him I didn’t know. Then I told him what he really needed to know was XYZ so that he could get the answer that he was most certainly looking for. At which point he got frustrated with me for not just answering his question so he could figure it out his way. At which point I got frustrated with him for not just taking my word for it and doing it the better way I suggested. At which point he got frustrated with me for not hearing why he was frustrated with me. At which point I got even more frustrated with him for not letting me help him in the error of his ways. At which point we pull into the church parking lot. Perfect.

It gets better.

I get out of the car because we are just about on time and I don’t want to be late. He stays in the car {saying a quick prayer for divine intervention with his wicked wife}, and I assume he’s just sitting there to make me stand outside like a fool. So, logically, I open the door and let him know {in a sugary sweet tone} that we’re going to be late {because clearly he doesn’t have any idea what time it is} and realize he’s actually praying {why didn’t I think of that}? So my main squeeze gets out of the car and we start walking into church. At this point I’ve got a real pride balloon hanging over my head because I know that I’m right and am super excited to go into church this morning because I know Mark is preaching on reconciliation and I’m looking forward to seeing my husband experience some Holy Spirit conviction. And just as I’m thinking that,

I trip on the stairs and almost break my face.

So then, logically, I start to cry. I’m embarrassed. Frustrated. And this balloon is hanging pretty heavy over my head. Jason reaches out to grab my arm and prevent me from totally wiping out. I snap my arm out of his hand. He says, “Please, let’s go back to the car and talk this out before we go into church.” “No,” I say. Because we have to be on time. Crying even more. But I wipe those dumb tears and slap the plastic smile on my face, go inside and sit down. Mumble through some worship. Crack out the notebook to take some notes. Listen to the sermon. And, about 40 minutes in {dang, I’m prideful}, God softens my heart and I realize I’m a twit, and I reach over and tuck my arm in his arm. We have a secret thing that we do to say I love you, so I do it while my arm is tucked in his. He does it back. We sit and listen to the rest of the reconciliation sermon {oh the irony, ha!} and then worship begins. Our pastor challenges us to reconcile with anyone in the room that we need to reconcile with before taking communion, so we just sit there and talk.

And I hear my husband’s heart. He says that sometimes he feels like I always think I’m right. That I always have the best answer. That I don’t think he is capable of doing certain things on his own. He says it makes him feel like he has to prove himself to me. Like I don’t believe in him. Like he’s not competent.

I cry.

I tell him that sometimes I’m scared that in submitting to him {Eph 5:22-24; Col 3:18}, I’ll no longer have a say. That he’ll always be right and that I won’t matter or my opinions won’t matter. This is a lie. This isn’t a picture of the biblical submission Paul writes about. What it is is my own view, my own spin, my own distortion of the beautiful and loving submission of a wife. The hierarchy of the family as God designed it with the wife as an equal partner with a different role. He leads, I help. And we are equal. I also tell him that I’m scared because it’s hard. Because I want to lead. My flesh SCREAMS for control. My flesh wants to make the decisions my way {which is always the best way}. And I’m sitting there telling him this and I’m telling him that I’m scared to submit, and I’m telling him I know I can’t submit, and I’m telling him how wicked I know I am and…wait for it…I’m pointed to the cross.

And I cry some more.

Because I’m so thankful that I have a Savior {Galatians 4:4-5}. I’m so thankful that He promises to put my pride and selfishness and controlling nature to death {Colossians 3:5a}. That He promises to enable me to walk in newness of life {Romans 6:4-14}. To hear what my husband says, to let him lead and be a man, to trust him, and to ultimately trust and submit to God {James 4:7}. My submission issues with my husband are ultimately because I have submission issues with Christ. If I submit to Christ, then I will be able to submit to Jason. Regardless of Jason’s ability to lead. Because he’s a sinner too {Romans 3:10-12}. And God’s working on him too {Philippians 1:6}. And he doesn’t do everything perfectly. But I trust Jesus in Jason. And I ask for grace to be able to obey God in Scripture {Luke 11:28}. And I’m thankful for it because it illuminates the darkness of my heart {Jer 17:9}. And I repent {Acts 3:19}.

And he says, “Can I pray for us?”

And he prays for us. Everyone else is worshipping. Taking communion. Doing their thing with Jesus. And we’re doing our thing with Jesus. Because of Jesus, we’re reconciling. Because of Jesus, we’re holding hands. Because of Jesus, our marriage is growing and getting better. Not falling apart and growing apart. We’ve been there too because we didn’t have Jesus. But this time this was a little fight. A dumb fight. And it seems like they come fewer and further in between. And it seems like we are repenting better and more quickly, by God’s grace. But, you know what? It was a helpful fight. Because once again, it revealed sin that pointed us to Jesus. And once again, by grace through faith in Jesus we are able to repent and be reconciled to God and to each other. It’s a daily battle. And so…

We walk out of church reconciled.

And I don’t even trip on the way to the car.

So there you have it. The perfect timing of “The on the Way to Church Fight.” Perfect timing because of the sermon topic {listen here if you want}. Perfect timing because of this blog series {just another humble reminder that just because He’s taught us and we’ve grown, we haven’t arrived}. Perfect timing because God’s timing is always perfect.

So here we go. Looking forward to sharing more crazy stories of God’s grace in our marriage and all of the things that I wish this couple would have known before we, you know, tied the knot, cut the cake, took the leap, got hitched, and dropped anchor. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post when I share with you what I wish I would have known about Jesus before getting married.

**This is the second post in the “Wicked Wife” series.**

On Wivery

That’s right. In this new “Wicked Wife” series, I’ma shout it from the mountaintops. “I’m a wicked wife.” Today I can freely tell you that my bent is toward being a super wicked wife {we’ll talk about why I can freely tell you that in a few days}.

Six years ago when we first got married I sang a very different tune. The melody was lovely and the chorus went something like this:

“Jason is so lucky, so lucky, sooo lucky!!!
I’m a wonderful wife. Wondeful wife.
Lucky Jason, Lucky Jason!”

About 2 years in, it turned to more of a horror soundtrack {we’re talking full on “riiiih riiiih”…sound it out, people}. I’m selfish. I’m impatient. I’m controlling. I’m proud. I’m rude. I’m arrogant. I’m self-seeking. I’m easily angered. I keep a record of wrongs. I’m bitter. I’m resentful. My house doesn’t look like what I thought it would. Laundry never gets done. Meals are sporadic and they suck. I don’t have motivation. I’m totally and completely broken. However, I was 100% blind to all of that. I just knew I was unhappy and it was Jason’s fault. After all, he had married a wonderful wife. So any problems must be coming from the “horrible husband.” The honeymoon was over. We were shipwrecked. This wasn’t on the itinerary of wedded bliss forever and ever. Now what?

In this series, I’m going to share with you what I wish I would have known about Jesus, sin, grace and repentance. I’m also going to share some funny and embarrassing stories of me falling flat on my face in “wonderful wifedom” and how what I wrongly believed about Jesus, sin, and myself got me in major trouble. We’ll talk about hope for our husbands. And finally, I’ll share with you what’s different now and why understanding who Jesus is has saved our marriage as we continue to deal with sin, repentance, and grace on a daily basis. It’s gonna be a wild ride. Hope you’ll join me!

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post, “The on the Way to Church Fight,” a real knee-slapper.

**This is the first post in my “Wicked Wife” series.”

Rest in the Storm

“On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, ‘Let us go across to the other side.’ And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling.

But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion.

And they woke him and said to him, ‘Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?’ And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, ‘Peace! Be still!’ And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, ‘Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?’ And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, ‘Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?'” (Mark 4:35-41)

It is uncommon to rest in the midst of a huge storm. More common responses would be fear, anxiety, worry. It would be rare enough, indeed, to be calm. But to sleep? To be able to remain asleep while a huge windstorm is happening and waves are breaking and crashing against the side of the small boat? Either he’s picked up some ZZZ-quil or there is something else entirely going on.

I propose to you that rest is possible in a storm.

It has to be. But how? How can you remain at peace and at rest in the midst of chaos, confusion, and unpredictable circumstances? What do you do when your plans fail? When the relationship falls apart? When the finances bust? When the dreams don’t meet your expectations? When the children disobey? When the family member dies? When the doctor says its cancer?

1. Know the One who calms the storm.
If He slept through it, it’s because He has command over it. The wind and the sea not only obey Him, they were created by Him. He has the power to shut them down if and when He sees fit. In the meanwhile, He calls us to not fear. The disciples awoke Him saying, “Do you not care that we are perishing?”

2. Understand that what feels like death is, in fact, not death.
The disciples accused Jesus of not caring that they were perishing. To them, the storm was life-threatening. Hence the fear and apprehension. To Jesus, there is not one moment where He does not have everything under control. He is not worried in the slightest by the storm. Nor has it taken Him by surprise. Refer to aforementioned sleeping.

3. The storm is a faith-building test.
Jesus’ response to the disciples accusation is, “Why are you still afraid? Have you still no faith?” Where they are tempted to fear, Jesus challenges them to a greater place of faith. Not in themselves. Not in their umbrellas. Not in their ability to hang on tight to the sides of the boat. But faith in the man asleep at the stern of the boat. The storm is an opportunity to make a declaration of faith not from a place beside still waters and green pastures, but from the stormy sea. That’s an authentic faith.

4. The storm reveals the mighty hand of God.
If there was no storm, how would the disciples have seen the power of God to calm it? If there was no storm, how would the disciples been given an opportunity to trust God through it? If there was no storm, how would they know that God is mighty to save?

The storms reveal the hand of God. They call us to a place of greater faith. They will not be the death of us. Because we know the One who can rebuke the wind and the waves and He’s calling us to trust in Him in a way we could not if we were not in the storm.

So rest.

“For in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.” (Psalm 57:1)