Back from NY, New Series, and Almost 17 Weeks Along!

Howdy, friends.

Happy almost December. Phew, there has been a lot going on!!!

Jason and I are back from our annual trip to New York for Thanksgiving. We brought the dogs with us {of course}, and had an amazing time with my parents, grandma, and friends. I also got to meet a ton of you that read the blog and was really encouraged to know that you’ve been blessed through mcmiracle. Thank you for reading! Blogging is one of the things that I LOVE to do and when I get to hear how God has used it to challenge, grow or bless you, it is pretty humbling. Praise Jesus.

We’re also really excited about a new church plant in our hometown of Tacoma and what that means for reaching the City of Tacoma. Our community group is replicating this week, our church is announcing fundraising pledges this weekend towards meeting the goal of buying/renovating our new church building, and God is preparing hearts to be generous in preparation for the harvest He will have in this city. It gets me fired up! Your prayers would be very much appreciated {provision, leaders, workers, HARVEST}!!!

Before we left for New York things were really hectic, and I’ve genuinely missed blogging. So I’m back in black red, white and green to say goodbye to November and hello to December and give you updates on our Sweet Pea and the pregnancy {including a belly bump photo below} as well as some really humbling/cool things God has been doing in my heart.

Starting Monday, I’ll be doing a series called
“Back to Basics: Gospel Grace.”

For the last eleven months God has really been working in my heart to bring me back to the basics of the gospel. By this I mean that Christ died, was buried, and was raised from the dead for my sin. Because of His completed work on the cross I have been given not only eternal life, but power to put my sin to death and to walk in newness of life apart from works of the law/flesh {religion: striving to be a “good person” and earn God’s favor}. There is a freedom in the complicated simplicity {that’s right} of the gospel and I want to share some practical ways that Jesus has been revealing that to me. It will be a short 5 part series. I hope you’ll join me.

And now to a Sweet Pea Breaking News Update:

I’ve felt our little baby move!!! I’m almost 17 weeks along and have been feeling flutters for quite some time that I was pretty sure were the baby. But this last week while laying on the couch in the living room of my childhood home, I felt a pretty good “poke” or “jolt” and knew for sure it was the baby. Amazing! I continue to feel flutters and movement daily and know that it is just the beginning! I’ve been getting lots of “Enjoy your sleep now” from some of you.

I’ve been feeling better. I still get sick every now and then. I have some pretty hard-core headaches. I have some difficulty sleeping {buckle up, right?}. I definitely have crazy pregnancy brain. My friend from home, Barbi, tried to teach me Pinochle while I was home. Ay gadzooks! It’s a game where you have to remember cards that were played to gain an advantage. Yeah. About that. Wait. About what? What was I saying….?

We find out the sex of the baby at the end of December. We are having a combined 30th birthday party (Jason turned 30 this month and I turn 30 in January)/ Baby Gender Reveal party. We have invited some of our friends and family to join us and Jason and I will be finding out the gender at the same time as everybody else. I will certainly keep you posted. We find out December 28th. Family/Friend polls have weighed in somewhere around 85% boy, 15% girl. Jason and I have no clue and will obviously be so thankful either way. Here’s a photo of my little growing bump!

How amazing is our God that He creates life, sustains it, and brings it to pass? It dumbfounds me and I am astounded that this is happening inside of me. I feel so humbled and blessed to be granted this gift, as I know the heartache of not having it, losing it, and longing for it {not knowing if it will ever come}. I hope I never forget that heartache. And my heart still aches with those of you that I know and don’t know that are in that place. He is faithful. His plans are perfect. He sees you. He knows. He has not forgotten you.

While in New York I was talking to my dad and these words came out of my mouth: “It makes me sick to think who I would be if God had given me a child when I wanted.” Let me qualify that. I know that He could have. I know that He still would have pursued me. But I can tell you that being a mom was such an idol in my heart that had He given it to me, I cannot predict how hard my heart would have become towards Him. How self-sufficient and proud I would have been. How much of my identity would have been wrapped up in anything and everything other than Him. I don’t know how long it would have taken for Him to soften my heart and to get Him back on the throne.

When I said that to my dad, the five years of trying flashed through my mind and I started to weep. I LOVE JESUS and I thank Him with every fiber of my soul for EVERY SINGLE SECOND, MINUTE, HOUR, DAY, WEEK, and YEAR of our infertility struggles. You guys know that this Spurgeon gold nugget is one of my favorite quotes:

“I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.”

My wave is our infertility. I literally could kiss it because it threw me into the arms of my King. My Rock of Ages. These five years have brought rough tide after rough tide that threw me into that Rock. It wasn’t pretty. I rebelled. I cursed God and shook my fist in His face. I despaired. I gave up. I grew tired. I believed lies. I had wicked sin in my heart towards my Father. And yet He persisted. And yet He pursued. And yet He pressed in. And yet He wooed my broken heart.

My reward is Him. Not this child.

Please let that be clear. My reward is Jesus.

See you Monday.

Homemade Baby Book

So my parentals, being the sneaky snakes that they are, kept several baby books that I never knew about. In fact, I had never even seen my newborn photo until a few years ago when my mom showed me one of these said books. It was actually a really cool surprise. I didn’t feel like I had missed out. Instead, I felt really excited to see a chapter of my life that I really didn’t know that much about.

But what I had seen was just the tip of the iceberg. Turns out my mother had kept a pregnancy journal as well as a calendar of my first twelve months of growth. They arrived in the mail about three weeks ago. They’d never been mentioned. I didn’t even know they existed. So it was pretty cool to get them. Turns out I’m pregnant now. Turns out that’s a pretty cool gift to get from your momma when you’re about to become a momma. Nice job, Beans. Nice job, indeed.

That being said, we probably do need to talk about the recurring theme of “Kate is playing in the toilet water again.” Really? I mean…really? I don’t know if that’s more of a poor reflection on me…or YOU! But enough about that.

I’ve always wanted to make a baby book as well. I know there are pre-made baby books, and they’re really awesome and well thought out. But I like to blaze my own way, so I have been working on this little baby book for our Sweet Pea. It includes weekly drawings of the baby’s size {as compared to fruit}, updates on specific things that are happening to the baby week by week, photos of my belly growth, and weekly prayers for our baby’s growth and for increased faith and trust for us. It’s been really fun! Here are some pictures for you:

So I wonder. Should I save it until our baby is having their first baby? I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

And I’d love for you to come back on Monday. I’ve got a story to tell you about my immune system taking a one-way trip to the South Pacific. Have a great weekend, y’all!

Baby and Belly Growth Weeks 6 to 9

Today is all about the photos.

Here’s baby growing over the course of three weeks. The top photo is at 6w1d, the middle is 7w1d, and the bottom is 8w3d! Wow. Pretty amazing.

And then here’s my belly at week 6, 7, and 8:

Here’s the difference between weeks 6 and 9 {four weeks}:

And the difference between weeks 8 and 9:

I recognize that many of you have been pregnant, or have seen pregnant women before. So this may not awe you as much as it awes me. But I just cannot believe that there is a life inside of me AND that it is growing so quickly. My only response is worship.

Stop by tomorrow, and I’ll tell you about my secret project for the baby! It’s a book that includes weekly growth, pictures, and prayers for our Sweet Pea!

Our Third Ultrasound

This was a big one. We were pretty sure that if there was no twin, then we were having one baby and not two.

This final ultrasound was with our doctor again. He came into the room, greeted us, and did the ultrasound. And there was our baby. Just one. But perfect. Growing. Heart beating. Resembling a baby more. The heartbeat was 173bpm. The measurements were right on target. The doctor was very happy.

This time there was no mention of Baby B at all.

I didn’t ask. And he didn’t say anything. Neither did Jason. We just asked questions about the baby we could see. I sort of feel like my eyes were opened more wide to the miracle in front of me and a burden was lifted off of my shoulders. Jason and I both felt like this was the first ultrasound where we were able to solely focus on, and celebrate Baby A. Our only baby. It was as if God prepared our hearts. We really had peace.

And we had joy. He/she was just perfect! I said, “Can you ever see them move at this stage {8 weeks, 3 days}?” Just as I said that, the baby moved! The doctor said, “Whoa! You called it! That’s unusual!” And then he/she moved again. It was the coolest thing ever. I think we could see tiny little arm and leg buds. And the head was much more clearly defined. We could see the umbilical cord and everything. Wow. Such a miracle. Such growth in such a short time! Here’s the special picture of our Sweet Pea at 8 weeks 3 days old:

And that was it. Our final appointment at the fertility doctor. I tried to express our thankfulness to our doctor. We literally love him. He has been such a blessing to us in the midst of some really dark and trying times. I said, “Thank you. Thank you so much. You’ve been such a blessing. We are so thankful for you.” Of course, tears were streaming down my face. He said, “You know, there are some cases that are just special, and I just couldn’t be happier for you guys. You are going to make amazing parents. Sincerely.” And he shook our hands, and told us to bring the baby in for a visit when it arrives, and with that he was out.

We graduated.

I remember the first time walking into that building. I was so sad. And even ashamed. I was embarrassed. Like something was wrong with me. With us. Like we needed to hang our heads. I remember looking at the other couples there too. They looked sad. I wondered where they were on their journey. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be “an infertile.” I just wanted to have a baby on our own.

As we walked out of that building, everything has changed. We are so grateful. We are so sure and confident that this is the road we were meant to be on. We are encouraged and blessed beyond belief that God entrusted us with infertility so that He could make much of His name through our story. I just wept all the way to the parking lot because I am so grateful and because I love Jesus so much. We are so in love with Jesus. Not being able to have kids when we wanted caused us to fall madly, deeply, and completely in love with our Savior. I’d walk back into that building a MILLION MORE TIMES if I knew that would be the result. He is good. He is so good.

Tomorrow I’m going to post some pictures of the baby’s growth over the last three weeks side by side as well as my belly growth! Who knew things would be growing so quickly? It’s all very exciting, friend. Very exciting, indeed!

Our Second Ultrasound

We had our second ultrasound on Tuesday, September 25th. In the week between the first and second ultrasound, I had some more bleeding. I continued on the dreadful shots. And we waited to go in and get another report on our babies.

I was really hopeful that there would have been a miracle for Baby B. That there had been a misdiagnosed collapsing sac, and maybe, just maybe, our twin would be there with a strong heart beat on the screen. I pictured hearing, “I have two heartbeats!!!”

My mother in law came with us to the appointment. I was really glad that she was able to join us and see her sweet grandbaby{ies} on the screen. It was actually a nurse practitioner that did the ultrasound at this visit.

This time she said there was nothing left from Baby B. She didn’t see a sac at all. No Baby B.

But a very strong Baby A. Measuring 9.8mm {almost 2x’s as big as the previous week’s 4.8mm}. A heartbeat of 146bpm. Everything looked excellent. We could see the yolk sac on the screen. The baby was definitely bigger. We could see the little flutter of the heartbeat. It was amazing. Truly amazing.

Once again, I asked a bazillion questions about Baby B. To be honest with you, I really didn’t believe that he/she was gone. I continued to hold onto hope. I had done some research that indicated sometimes it can be too early to diagnose a blighted ovum before 8 weeks. I was only 7 weeks. I thought there still might be a chance.

So we left with another sweet picture of Baby A. And holding onto a shred of hope that Baby B might still be holding on and just hiding out.

Here’s the sweet picture of our Sweet Pea:

The Shot Heard Round the World

I could make this a really long post. I won’t. I’ll just get straight to the point {pun intended}.

As I mentioned in the last post, after the bleeding my doctor switched me from progesterone suppositories to intramuscular progesterone in oil shots.

I was so nervous about it, when the package arrived in the mail I told Jason that I didn’t want to see them. He was so nervous about giving them to me that he didn’t read something he maybe, sorta, kinda, should have read.

So we began doing the injections. We did five nights of them, in fact. Until I couldn’t walk anymore. Until I was in so much agony I couldn’t sleep.

And that’s when it happened. That’s when we realized we were using the wrong size needle.

You see, the package came with two needles. But we had just thought that the other set was backup or extra. In fact, there was one size needle {18 gauge} that was only supposed to be for pulling the medicine up out of the vial. The second size needle {25 gauge} was the one that was actually supposed to be used for the injections.

We were using the 18 gauge for the injections.

Jason said he sort of did it like a dart. Just like the lady taught him.

No wonder I couldn’t walk. No wonder I couldn’t sleep. Our friend, an ER doctor, said, “I have only ever used that size needle on someone who is unconscious or dead.”

Awesome.

Needless to say, we corrected the mistake. And even with the right size needle, I was still in excruciating pain. So our doctor kindly let me switch back to the suppositories. Who knew suppositories could be so fan-flippin’ tastic?

Here’s the photo. Enjoy. See if you can guess which needle you should not jam into your gluteus maximus…

Our First Ultrasound

 

Warning: this post might contain TMI moments {too much information} for the men or the weak-hearted.

It was Monday, September 17th. I was six weeks exactly. It had been over two weeks since my blood beta test. My first ultrasound was scheduled for that Thursday, the 20th. I had had some light spotting the previous week and some bright red bleeding two days before. But the doctor said that if it stopped, she wasn’t concerned and thought I could wait until my scheduled ultrasound on the 20th. So it was about 5pm on that Monday. I stood up to take my first “Pregnancy Belly” photo and I felt it. A warm gush. A heavy warm gush.

I rushed to the bathroom, and blood just started falling. Gushing. Huge clots. I’d never bled like that before. I immediately went numb. I didn’t cry. I didn’t yell. I just sat there in disbelief. Jason was with me. We just knew I was miscarrying.

We were devastated.

The bleeding continued throughout the night. It definitely tapered off, but it was very scary. I called my doctor and she said I needed to come in for an emergency ultrasound first thing the following morning. I was relieved to know I’d be able to go in that soon, but devastated.

That night Jason and I laid in bed crying. Worshipping. Singing songs to Jesus. Asking Him to prepare our hearts. Neither one of us wanted to fall asleep because we didn’t want the morning to come. I literally no longer felt pregnant. It seemed like my symptoms had gone away. If I was a betting woman, I’da told you there was no way the baby had survived.

We woke up the next morning and drove to the doctor’s office. Long drive. 5 minutes away. I cried from the parking lot into the car. I cried while I sat and waited to be called back. I cried as we followed the nurse to the room. She said, “Dr. ____ will be right in.” It was our doctor. I didn’t know he was working at our office that day. I thought, “That’s kind of God. He is giving us our doctor to break the bad news to us. That’s gracious of Him.” I cried while I sat on the table waiting for him to knock. He walked in and I was crying.

He saw my face and his face fell.
He said, “Heavy bleeding?”
I said, “Super heavy. With at least 5 big clots.”
He said, “Okay. Well I will be honest with you. I’ll say it just like it is. I won’t give you any false hope.”
I said, “Okay.”
Jason sat holding my hand, face blank.

He began the ultrasound. My eyes were locked on the screen. The moment that it registered in my mind that there was something on the screen was the same moment {within seconds of beginning} that my doctor exclaimed:

I have a heart beat!!!

It was like he couldn’t get it out fast enough. It was like he was holding his breath as much as we were. It was like he was invested and he really cared. It was a miracle. We couldn’t believe it. Jason said, “What???” and just started laughing. I said, “Are you serious? Oh my God. Oh my God.” I was literally calling out to Him. I could not believe what I was hearing. We were completely and totally surprised, as well as undone, overjoyed, and thankful beyond words.

That’s when he said, “there’s a second gestational sac here. You had a twin. This sac is collapsing. That would explain the bleeding.”

It’s so hard to describe the emotions of those moments. We went from being sure that we had miscarried and that the doctor would find nothing…to a heartbeat…to the loss of a twin. I asked a bazillion questions. All of them were essentially fishing for any remnant of hope that Baby B would hang on. But he didn’t see anything in the sac. Not only did it look like it was collapsing, there was no fetal pole and no yolk sac. He said, “this is not a viable pregnancy.”

Man. Intense. Parenting is intense.

Your heart is vulnerable when you love so deeply. But I’d have it no other way. It wasn’t a “at least you still have one” situation. And our doctor knew it. He congratulated us on Baby A, but gave his condolences for Baby B. He knows we cared about all of them. He knows this wasn’t a toss them up to the wind and hope one sticks sort of situation.

That was a hard day. Such joy. And such sorrow. You don’t want to overlook the miracle of Baby A. You don’t want to diminish the joy or the miracle in that. You don’t want to ignore the child that is growing in your stomach. And at the very same time, you don’t want to diminish the grief or the sorrow with Baby B. You don’t want to ignore the child that is no longer growing in your stomach. And you don’t want to forget Baby C. The baby that was never seen, but certainly existed. Man. {In the ultrasound picture below you can see the “collapsing sac” of Baby B—our only evidence that he/she made it 6 weeks—to the top right of Baby A}.

All I can say is I did not know how to walk forward. I did not know how to address and handle my emotions. But God has walked with us. He has faithfully walked with us.

“But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:’Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. 3 For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.'” (Isaiah 43:1-3)

And, here is the joyful part, friend. Here is the picture of our tiny little Sweet Pea. This is the very first time we laid eyes on him/her. His/her heart was beating at 118 beats per minute. The doctor said it was perfect. His/her size was 4.8 mm, which was also perfect. My heart still melts every time I think of that moment. Every time I remember hearing, “I have a heartbeat!!!” Every time I close my eyes and picture seeing something on that ultrasound screen. So grateful. So unbelievably grateful.

Before we left the doctor’s office, he said that he would be taking me off of the 3x’s a day progesterone suppositories and switching me over to a daily intramuscular progesterone in oil shot. Oh boy. Please, please come back on Monday for that story. It’s a doozie.

In Memory

We are the proud parents of five very special, very sweet…Sweet Peas.

That’s how we look at it. Since everything that is needed to create human life is present at conception, we believe that is when life starts. So as we’ve discussed before, we love each one of our Sweet Peas. All five of them.

We love these two:

And we love these three:

We love all of them. Individually and authentically.

We felt called to adopt these specific embryos. We thank God for the privilege of being their parents. And we grieve the loss of four of their lives that happened before we ever held them. They are forever a part of our family. They could have grown up to be anything they wanted to be. We pray that they would have grown up to love and serve Jesus.

We were willing to have however many babies God gave us. Secretly, I had always hoped for twins. Even as a small girl. I remember talking to my mom when I was little and asking, “Mommy, I want twins. Can I ever have twins?” Because none ran in our family, she thought it would be a long shot. So when we began this fertility journey, to me it seemed like twins were more of a possibility than they ever were. The reality is that God is the author of life. If us giving birth to twins or triplets was a part of His plan, He would have made it happen. And this time, for at least six weeks, I was the momma of twins. We lost Baby B at 6 weeks and we were devastated.

So, this post is to honor the ones that didn’t survive. By God’s grace, we have one beautiful baby growing strong in my belly 9 weeks old! But as far as the other four go…I don’t know what we would have named them. Or what they would have looked like. I don’t know when they would have first giggled or rolled over or crawled for the first time. I don’t have a date for their first tooth or their first step or their first day of kindergarden. We won’t be able to sit at their sporting events or band concerts or awards ceremonies. We won’t get to hear them worship Jesus and we won’t get to see them go to their first prom, drive away in their first car, or walk down the aisle with the love of their life.

That makes us sad. We wanted to do all of that. Wanted to do it all so very badly. So we grieve.

Ultimately, our hearts have peace. Ultimately, we trust Jesus. Ultimately, we believe they are with Him. And ultimately we believe our family will be whole and reunited one day.

But today we remember our four babies that didn’t survive. You are loved. Not just by us, but by so many. Until then…

1 “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’ 5 And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’ Also he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’ 6 And he said to me, ‘It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. 7 The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.'” {Revelation 21:1-7}

Telling the Family

It was Sunday, September 2nd. My parents landed that evening. They were flying in to be with us when we received the transfer results. As far as they knew, I was going in for my blood test results the following day. They had no idea that we had taken any home pregnancy tests.

We picked them up in the airport. We got their bags. We walked out to the car. When we popped the trunk there was a wall hanging that said, “Nana” on it. They both looked confused. They thought I was getting ahead of myself, so they didn’t want to get too excited. That’s when I said, “I’m pregnant.” My dad hugged me for a long time and my mom started jumping up and down. Then she shared a story about a little four year-old girl in church that morning that saw her walk into the room and out of no where said, “Grandma just came in the room.” Here it is:

Then, we drove straight to Jason’s family’s house. It was 10:30 so they weren’t expecting us. We knocked on the door and when his mom opened the door we showed her the home pregnancy test. Then she yelled for Angie to come down too! It was dark outside, so you can’t see much, but you don’t need to! Here it is:

On Monday night, September 3rd {after we had confirmed blood test results!!!} we asked the family to come over for prayer. That’s when we told Perry Jr. and Tember as well as Natalie and Monica.

Then, that night we also skyped with Jason’s sister Mindy and husband, Justin, in Texas and {sorta} surprised them {she had an idea since we said we wanted to Skype}. First we told Mindy a long story about trying to get our blood drawn, and then she asked, “So you’ll find out tomorrow?” And then we showed her a knit baby hat that Angie had made that was laying on Kate’s belly. She knew right away what that meant! And of course, she started crying! See video below.

We also called Jason’s brother, Cody, in CA and Dad and told them over the phone. Everyone was so excited and so thankful. This baby has a BIG HUGE AMAZING FAMILY waiting for it.

It’s been amazing, really. And humbling. We have been realizing just how much our babies are loved by others too. Not just us. So many of you have prayed so faithfully for them. So many of you are rejoicing with us {sincerely rejoicing}. We feel overwhelmed by it and ill-deserving. Thank you for being on this journey with us. Thank you for grieving and praying and weeping and singing and  kneeling and crying and clapping and dancing and….ALL OF IT. Thank you.

The Double Line

It exists. It really really exists.

I didn’t think it did. I’ve easily taken three dozen tests over the last five years and come up blank every time. I’ve tried multiple brands. I’ve tried it in the morning. In the afternoon. In the evening. Never. Never ever have I even seen the tiniest hint of a second line. The double line.

On Friday, August 31st I bought three First Response Early Result tests. I went about my day meeting up with some friends and running some errands. The plan was for Jason and I to take the test together the next day. But I literally could not wait. Part of it was that I have always sort of pictured being able to surprise Jason with the great news as opposed to sitting on a toilet and peeing in front of him. Something about the first picture seemed more appealing to me {I can’t imagine why}. So I prayed on my way home. Walked in the door. And went directly to the bathroom with my new purchase.

I peed. And then I put the stick on the counter and got on my knees in the bathroom. While I waited the two minutes, I talked to Jesus. I don’t really remember what I said. I pleaded for a positive. I remember that. And then I stood up. And I looked at the test. And for the first time in five years there was something there. A second line. It was the faintest, most beautiful, most wonderful, most miraculous, most incredible tiny pink line I had ever seen in my life. I stared at it. In silence. In shock. Dumbfounded. And then I started breathing hard. And then I started repeating, “Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh!!!”

I literally ran out of the bathroom and to the car {with the pee stick in my hand as I ran down my front walk, across the sidewalk, and to the car door}. I sped to Jason’s work. I called him and said I was finishing my errands and had grabbed us some lunch. I asked him to meet me in the parking lot outside his office in 5 minutes. Drive drive drive. And this is what happened next (feel free to skip from about 21 seconds to 1 minute if you want to avoid dead time):

It was wonderful. And amazing. And wonderful. And amazing. He asked a bazillion questions and didn’t believe me for about 3 full minutes! We looked at the stick over and over again. There was definitely a faint line! Tiny. And faint. But REAL! And it was four days early and only 8 days past my three day transfer. Super early. And the afternoon! We were so FREAKING excited.

The next morning I retested. And then again the next morning. They just kept getting darker!

It was so wonderfully surreal. We have waited for this double line for five years. The desire in our hearts to be parents has only grown stronger during that time, but amazingly so has our peace. Only Jesus can do that. Only grace as a result of God’s kindness and your prayer can do that.

So thank you for your prayers. This is evidence of answered prayer. God can. He doesn’t have to. But He can. And He did. And we are so unbelievably grateful. So fun! And come back Monday for the next post, “Telling the Family.” My parents actually flew in that Sunday night and we picked them up from the airport with a great big surprise! Then stopped at Jason’s family’s house. It’s all on video!

The Two Week Wait

Well, it wasn’t two weeks for us. We walked out of the transfer on Thursday, August 23rd. We scheduled our follow up blood test for Monday, September 3rd. That was exactly twelve days. Add to that the fact that I couldn’t wait to take a home pregnancy test any longer than Friday, August 31st, and we actually only had to wait eight days to find out we were pregnant!!! But I’ll get to that tomorrow.

That said, those eight days still felt like an eternity. I had a really hard time waiting. It was interesting because we had been through it once before with the least favorable outcome becoming the reality. We lost the babies last time. Because of that, I think I fooled myself into thinking it would be easier this time than last time. After all, we had already been through it. Jesus had carried us through. God was good to us in grief. We were still breathing and living. So this time I started to depend on my own strength instead of Jesus. I even sort of hid from God in fear because I didn’t know what I would do if it didn’t work this time. I was afraid that I would be too hurt “by Him” to recover. I think I wanted to trust Him, but in hind sight, I was afraid.

Fear is a natural result of idolatry. When I started to put the value of my babies lives higher than the reality of God’s goodness, my foundation became sinking sand. And when you’re on sinking sand anything can happen and your hope is in the results. And because of that life is filled with fear and anxiety. If the outcome does not turn out how you had “hoped” than hope is dead. I had to do some serious repenting for not trusting Jesus and for not placing my hope in Him alone. I had to ask for forgiveness for hiding from Him. He is kind. He is patient. He is quick to forgive and merciful. He speaks tenderly to me and uses His surgeon’s scalpel cautiously and skillfully. He gives me grace. Sometimes more grace than I give myself. I need His help with that. The reality is He knew how hard this two week wait would be for me. And He was willing to be there with me every minute. He pursued me even when I wasn’t pursuing Him. Even when I was scared and hiding. I love Him.

So it was a hard, but GOOD two weeks (okay, eight days). Because God is GOOD and He uses trial to test our faith and this is more precious than gold. More precious than babies, even.

Come back tomorrow and I’ll share the story of how we found out we were pregnant and the video of me telling Jason in “The Double Line.”

The Tale of the Second Transfer Day

It was just as special as the first.

I mean, why wouldn’t it be? The first time you see your babies should always be special. For us, it’s different than a baby crying in our arms. It’s tiny embryos magnified on a screen by a special microscope. But the love and prayer and anticipation and preparation leading up to that moment make it just as special for us.

This transfer was very similar to the last with some neat improvements. This time Jason’s mom came with us and this time it was our doctor (last time he wasn’t on the schedule for the day of our transfer). This time we opted out of acupuncture (mostly just to save $). This time we transferred three embryos instead of two.

The reason we transferred three had to do with the way that they were frozen ten years ago. Our embryos were frozen in straws. One straw had two embryos that we transferred on April 13th, and the second straw had three embryos that we transferred on August 23rd. We prayerfully made the decision after consulting with our doctor about what course of action would give the embryos the best chance at survival. Transferring one or two and re-freezing/thawing the other/s would have put them at risk and was not a decision we were willing to make. We trusted God that if He called us to triplets, He would have provided. So we went ahead and gave the doctor orders to transfer all three no matter their condition after thawing.

We arrived at the fertility clinic and were ushered back to the transfer room pretty quickly. Within a few minutes of changing and getting ready, a nurse came in with the picture of our embryos. We knew we were starting with one 7 cell embryo and two 5 cell embryos. She informed us that the 7 cell had survived the thaw with all 7 cells in tact, one of the 5 cells still had all 5 cells in tact and the other had 3 cells remaining. She handed us this picture. We were overjoyed that all three had survived the thaw.

She left and we took some pictures and waited for our doctor to come in to perform the transfer. It all went pretty quickly, and before we knew it, there he was. They prepped me and then put our embryos up on the monitor. The lab technician confirmed that these were our embryos and then drew them up into the tiny catheter. She handed the catheter to our doctor through the window and into our room. He sat down, inserted the catheter, and with the help of ultrasound technology placed the embryos directly into my uterus. And that was it! As he got up to hand the catheter back into the lab he had this HUGE smile on his face as if he was very happy with how the transfer had gone. By the time he came over to shake my hand, tears were streaming down my face. He said, “I know, this has been a long journey. It went very well. Now we wait.”

And that was it. Quick. Pretty painless. And amazingly beautiful. We love them. All three of them. We thank God for choosing us to be their parents. For 1 minute. 5 minutes. 1 day. 5 days. 5 weeks. 1 year. 5 years. Or 70 years. 🙂

Medicated Cycle vs. Natural Cycle

The decision about the medication this cycle is actually an interesting God story. Surprise surprise. He provided in some really neat ways for us and really guided our decision.

Here’s the back story. Last cycle, I chose to do a medicated cycle over a natural cycle. To get a feel for what a medicated cycle looks like, you can re-read my protocol from the first transfer here. Essentially, a medicated cycle suppresses my normal ovulation and then gives me synthetic hormones to prepare my body to accept the embryos and sustain a pregnancy. A natural cycle is dictated more by your natural cycle (hence the name). There is less medication involved, but is less predictable. Transfer dates can be cancelled if your body is not exactly where it needs to be. Cost is about the same if you include all of the ultrasounds that need to be done as a part of the natural cycle. (If you, or someone you know is interested in EA and has specific questions about cost, feel free to email me and I’d be happy to give you more information). Last time we chose the medicated cycle, or the HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). This time, we were seriously considering the natural cycle, especially after our doctor told us that both methods are equally effective.

But after some changes occurred with our timeline, we knew we needed/wanted to do the transfer before the end of 2012. These changes were out of our control and were someone unexpected. That’s what made it neat. We were actually not planning on doing another transfer until the summer of 2013. So we had a choice to make about which type of cycle we would do.

We were actually trying to decide on July 6th as we were preparing to leave for a weekend of anniversary camping. I had been going back and forth with the nurse that day about which cycle we were going to choose. Finally, because of those unforeseen circumstances, I let her know we had decided to go ahead with the medicated cycle again.

At that point, she asked me what day of my cycle I was on. It was Day 6. “That’s great,” she said. “You can actually start birth control today if you want. It’s the last day you can start, or you can wait til next month.” I hadn’t thought that we would be able to start that soon, so I told her I would talk to Jason and call her back. After Jason and I talked, we decided that we hadn’t quite saved up ALL of the money that we needed for the transfer so we wanted to wait. We felt that God would have provided the money if He wanted us to move forward at that time. So I called the nurse back and said we were going to save a bit more and then we’d probably be ready to start the following month.

Two hours later the mail came. It was literally right as we were leaving to go camping for the weekend. I opened a card from a family member, and there, inside was a check for more than we even needed to begin the cycle. I cried. And then I laughed. Jason and I talked about it, felt peace, and called the nurse. “Change of plans. We can start today.” What a blessing. That would be the first of many.

So on July 6th, I began the second protocol for our second transfer. I followed the exact protocol as last time. Every appointment along the way went exactly as it was supposed to (actually even better than last time because my estrogen levels last time were lower than they wanted and this time they were perfect). Time tick tock’ed away pretty slowly over those six weeks, but we finally made it to August 23rd.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post, “The Tale of the Second Transfer Day” and get a refresher on “The Tale of Transfer Day” from our first transfer here.

We Are Pregnant!!!!!!

It’s official!

We’ve taken three pregnancy tests, three blood tests, and we’ve had two ultrasounds. There is so much to tell you. I’m eight weeks along. The pregnancy is the result of our second embryo transfer (read more about the joys/grief our first failed transfer here and here) that was done on August 23rd.

We know that many of you have followed our journey and prayed faithfully for us. Thank you. We were more private about this transfer because we wanted to protect our hearts while we waited for the results. Those weeks of waiting are very emotional and we wanted some privacy during those really vulnerable and sensitive days. Thank you for patiently waiting. I know that many of you have seen the silence on the blog and have wondered and probably deduced that we were doing another transfer. You were right!

We are overjoyed. We are humbled. We are excited out of our minds. We are in love with our tiny little Sweet Pea. We are grateful and thankful and still pinching ourselves every day. We are prayerfully asking God to continue to sustain this sweet little life and would very much covet your prayers over the days and weeks to come.

As well, we are also grieving the loss of the two embryos that did not survive this transfer. We transferred three embryos this time, and I was initially pregnant with twins. At about six weeks the doctor said we lost Baby B. So that has been very hard for us. In this process we adopted five embryos. That means that there are four embryos that we have loved, prayed for, and transferred that we will not meet this side of heaven. That is very difficult for us. We trust God. We know He is sovereign. We know that He loves each of these babies more than we ever could. Yet it is still hard. There is still grief. I will definitely post about grieving in the weeks to come.

So, please come back tomorrow and the next day and the next day. I cannot wait to share the details of this pregnancy including dates, meds, and a pretty hilarious/traumatizing story about my progesterone shots. I’ll tell you about the two week wait and I also have ultrasound pictures to share as well as stories and videos of me telling Jason and different members of our family that we were pregnant! I’ll share the results of our first beta tests as well as the story of our first, second, and third ultrasounds. And I’d love to keep you updated about our baby’s growth along the way. In the meanwhile, if you’re not familiar with Embryo Adoption or with our story, click here to read through our timeline.

I Blog Today for Prayer

(credit: CBS Seattle, Chris + Mayet Palacio/GettyImages)

Yesterday was a rough day for me. Different waves of grief over our infertility and the loss of our Sweet Peas have been hitting my theoretical “shore” and it’s been turning my whole world upside down. I guess it could be compared to the tsunami debris that has been washing ashore along the west coast of the United States.

Yes, the tsunami happened over a year ago in March of 2011. And yes, the debris is expected to continue hitting our coasts for the next two years. It’s not a one and done deal. There are residual, long-lasting, damaging effects. Sorta like grief.

Grief is messy and there are no rules.

Grief comes when you least expect it and when you’re not prepared for it. I’m grieving. And I confess that I don’t know how to grieve. Sometimes I swing to the plastic Barbie smile and the pretty packaged “all-is-well-thanks-for-asking” grief. Sometimes I’m scared to say how I’m really doing because it’s messy and I’m worried that people won’t know what to say. I don’t want to rain on their parade. Be a kill joy. And I don’t want to wallow. I don’t want to make it about me and my grief. And then, sometimes I really AM doing okay. And then, sometimes I scream and cry and make sounds like a wild animal.

Yesterday was scream and cry like an animal day.

Yesterday was one for the history books. The last time I cried like this was before our transfer. Man, I’m sad. I’m tired. I feel like I’m fighting battle after battle. I feel like I am literally battling to choose life and Jesus over death and sin. Satan is TORMENTING me. He has been whispering horrid, hopeless, heinous things into my ears. I am clinging to Jesus and pleading with Him for divine protection and rescue. I know the road is wide and welcoming—rage, bitterness, jealousy, hopelessness—exits to an array of sins off of Satan’s highway. I know the road is narrow that leads to life and Christ. It’s less traveled. It takes discipline and self-control and an total empowerment of the Holy Spirit.

Jason gave me these verses last night from Psalm 22 and they’ve been a real encouragement:

“Be not far from me, for trouble is near and there is none to help.

But you, O LORD, do not be far off! Oh you, my help, come quickly to my aid!

For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard when he cried to him.” (vs. 11,19,24)

I’ve also just started Exodus and am being reminded of God’s continued faithfulness to His covenantal promises. We read about Joseph in the pit, we read about the perfect timing of God’s deliverance, and we talked about being ready when the deliverance comes. Here’s the thing that’s AMAZING about Scripture. As we read, we are able to see deliverance. Redemption. We can see how God uses what was intended for evil for good. We see Him using all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). And there’s hope.

He sees.
He knows.
He remembers.
He hears.
He moves.
He redeems.
He delivers.
And you know what?

My story isn’t finished.

Our story isn’t finished. The final page hasn’t been turned. I don’t know how this one ends. But knowing that He knows is enough. Let that be enough, Lord. Let it be enough when my heart is broken and I am choking on my grief. Let that be enough when I cannot breathe and my head is pounding and my tears are falling. Let that be enough when my ache to be a mother overwhelms me to the point of despair and hopelessness. Let that be enough.

In the end of Chapter 2 of Exodus, the Israelites have been enslaved for around four hundred years. It says, “Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Issac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel–and God knew.”

God remembered.

God knew.

Let that be enough.

I blog today for prayer.

I covet your prayers as I fight for life. I covet your prayers as I learn how to grieve and worship. How to be sad and worship. How to be real and worship. I covet your prayers as I wait in the pit and worship. As I await deliverance. As I choose Jesus over sin.

And…

I’d also appreciate your prayers for my neighbors who probably think we’re hiding some sort of wildebeest/bobcat hybrid in our basement.