My Bad Attitude, Hypocrisy, and Hurricanes

If I could say bah-humbug without feeling guilty I would. After all, I have a lot to be thankful for, namely Jesus. I guess for a lot of different reasons the last several weeks I’ve been sort of reevaluating who I am, why I’m here, and what my purpose is on this earth. I have so many things that I’ve struggled with in my (almost) twenty-eight years, and I really want to be at a point where I’m not the victim, where my past doesn’t define me, and where I can be useful to someone. Make a difference. Stop feeling sorry for myself.

All this “yuck” has been jump-started by finishing my Masters. It’s been 4 years coming, and now it’s done and I’m not even sure what I want to do with it. The uncertainty of the future is making me question all the pain of my past. And in turn, my purpose. All of my plans for teaching, youth ministry, buying a home, having babies, looking a certain way, being a certain person, and having a certain impact have failed. I am a shadow of the person that I thought I would be.

The lyrics to the song below start out like this: “I have built a city here, Half with pride and half with fear, Just wanted a safer place to hide…” I don’t know if it was my Masters, the infertility, struggles with my self-image, or all of the above. But my lack of identity has turned into a hurricane in every area of my life.

I’ve gotten distracted. I’ve gotten a bad attitude. I’ve been a hypocrite. I’ve complained. I’ve played the victim card. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’ve hated myself. I’ve over-loved myself. I’ve tried to self-help myself. I’ve defined myself by the terms and expectations of others. I’ve hit road blocks, detours, and many closed roads. And here I am. It’s another December. I’m about to turn one year older.

And who am I?

I know who I’m not. I’m not perfect. I’m not defined by my successes. Or my failures. I’m not an amazing daughter. I’m not a respected teacher. I’m not a flawless wife. I’m not a faithful friend. I’m not a good housekeeper. I’m not a talented volleyball player. I’m not a mother. I’m not a good neighbor. I’m not an intelligent conversationalist. I’m not a hysterical comedian. None of that is true 100% of the time. I fail at all of it. At one point or another. So I can’t hang my hat on any of those for my identity. I’ve tried. Believe me.

I’m me.

I’m a mess. I’m a work in progress. But in Christ, I’m forgiven. I’m redeemed. I’m the daughter of the King. I’m loved just as I am.

And I’m wanting so desperately to know who He is.

He defines my future. He writes my story. He whites out my horrific, selfishness and pride. He heals my wounds and He waits patiently for me to come back to Him every time I walk away. He takes a beating every time I blame Him for something that was done to me that He has nothing to do with. He whispers truth to contradict the lies as I complain about my appearance, my intelligence, my abilities, and my life.

So I slow it down. Again. I look in the mirror at this wretched sinner that I get so frustrated with and I surrender. And the walls comes crashing down. Again. And I’m forgiven. Again. And He rebuilds. Again.

I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

CHORUS
I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need

Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee

(Chorus)

And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord

-Jimmy Needham

On Forgiveness and Unmerited Grace

Oh, forgiveness.

I’m not trying to get all theological in this post. I just wanted to say something about the concept of forgiveness (or grace-not getting what we deserve).

Jason and I have very different ways of apologizing to one another. One thing I’ve learned since being married is that just because Jason doesn’t handle situations with the same emotions, demeanor and words that I use, it does not invalidate his method. I used to have a really hard time with the “way” he would apologize because it lacked an emotional connection that I felt that my apologies contained. What I probably should have been focusing on instead of how he SAID “I’m sorry”, was actually saying “I’m sorry” more myself.

I can say with full confidence and sincerity that Jason’s got me badly beat in the apology arena of our marriage. Without a doubt, he has entered the arena more frequently (for things we would probably both say weren’t his fault). He’s got a greater sense of humility than I do, and ironically, regardless of whether I always “feel” like he means it, he says it more often than I do and is more willing to eat humble pie.

And it’s got me thinking. His example has really helped encourage me to grow in this area. Not only that, but as I’ve looked at my life, I see nothing but forgiveness and grace from Jesus, from friends and from family.

I’ve been forgiven a lot, ya’ll. For a lot.

None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes, but I definitely feel like I’ve made more than my fair share. I’ve had some serious trip ups in my life, and can remember thinking that, “Oh, I’ve for sure gone too far for forgiveness this time.” I knew I didn’t deserve grace. Or forgiveness.

I was right.

But that’s what’s beautiful about both. The definition of forgiveness is to grant an undeserving pardon, or to give relief to one owing a debt. It means to let go of resentment and to wipe the slate clean.

When Jason forgives me for hurting him, he’s saying that he’s not going to hurt me back. He’s going to let go of what I’ve done or said to hurt him and move forward as if it didn’t happen. He’s not going to hold it against me, he’s not going to bring it up in an hour, or in a week, or in three years. He is extending me a gift of mercy that I do not deserve. I have wronged him, and he is choosing to look past it. Anyone who has forgiven me has done the same thing.

Forgiveness really is one of the most beautiful things we can do as humans.

It makes me want to be someone that is quick to forgive, to cancel debts, to wipe the slate clean and to move forward. What does holding onto it have to benefit us anyway? Thorns of bitterness grow in our minds consuming our thoughts, and spreading down to our hearts making us cold, cruel, and calloused.

Instead, we can choose to extend grace to someone who doesn’t deserve it and doesn’t expect it (that’s all of us). When you are the person that has been wronged (or is continually being wronged), how are you going to respond? I have spent YEARS of my life holding onto grudges and pain for something that started out trite (or sometimes pretty big and hurtful). It doesn’t really matter how big or small the offense. You can still choose forgiveness and grace.

You know what else doesn’t matter? You can choose forgiveness and grace even when the person offending you hasn’t asked for it. Even when they don’t apologize. Even when they don’t care if they’ve hurt you. You can still choose forgiveness.

Here’s my thing. I’m just touched because I saw someone today that has no reason to grant me forgiveness. And she did anyway. And it points me to something greater than me, greater than her, greater than even the act of extending grace. Because when it’s all said and done, it’s amazing to receive forgiveness from another human being when you don’t deserve it. But it’s another thing entirely to receive forgiveness from God.

He made me, He pursued relationship with me as His daughter, and over and over again I’ve chosen other things instead of Him. He has given me so much, not the least of which is His Son, and yet I still turn. I’ve done some wicked, wicked things in my life. And I’ve been selfish, I’ve lied, I’ve been jealous, I’ve broken promises and hurt people that I love, I’ve kept secrets, and not used my time and money well, I’ve looked at strangers with judgment and condemnation, even hate. I have spat in the face of my Father who loves me. I’ve run down a distant path to get away from Him, and yet He waits for my return with open arms. Forgiveness and unmerited grace—if you’ve felt it from another human being, you know that there is nothing like it.

But if you’ve not yet felt it from Christ, well, I pray that you will.

You have to check out this song called “Forgiven and Loved” by Jimmy Needham (check out his bio and site here).

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
-Colossians 3:13