Chesterfields to ALL your friends? That IS the merriest Christmas any smoker can have. Even if it’s his last. At least you’ll be sending it to him in the beautiful “Christmas-card carton.” And incase you’re looking for a good movie, don’t forget to read the fine print…
Your physician says smoking is bad for your health? WRONG.
You can’t argue with “repeated nationwide surveys!” Nor can you turn down a 30 day test in your “T-zone (T for Throat, T for Taste)”, and yes, that’s a woman with a T on her face.
If you want to live on the edge, but your 30 day “T-zone” trial doesn’t work out for you, or if no one sends you Chesterfields for Christmas, there’s always the option of Iver Johnson Revolvers. Just to clarify: “They are not toys.” “They shoot straight and kill.” But we’re going to advertise them with a little girl in a bed trying to decide to play with the revolver in her hand and the doll at her side. No fear, “Papa says it won’t hurt us” because “They’re absolutely safe” and an “Accidental discharge is impossible.” Just incase you were wondering.
You’re right, Chase and Sanborn, flat coffee is unacceptable. So unacceptable, in fact, you are totally justified in saying that wives should be beaten if then don’t “store test for fresher coffee.” Do you think while they’re store testing their coffee maybe they should also store test for a restraining order?
While we’re talking about dysfunctional families, let’s focus on the “before you scold me, Mom…maybe you better light up a Marlboro” baby. Don’t you think he meant, “before you dress me with another aluminum foil cowboy hat, Mom…maybe you better put out your meth pipe?”
Really? “Picked up?” 1950’s Code for “Got blasted?” A baby getting beer through it’s mother’s breast milk. And of this nutritional impact your company says: “And obviously baby participates in its benefits?” And the beer provides “Nourishing qualities that are essential at this time?” “An appetizing, stimulating tonic?” Start ’em early, Blatz. I can see why your company is still around. Oh wait, it’s not? It got bought out? What’s that you say? Blatz was bought by Pabst? Pabst Blue Ribbon? Ahhh.
So many great adjectives. “Homely.” “Muddy” skin.” “Delicate, dainty” white cream. “Toilet” counter. Good thing she took care of her blackheads and blemishes before Timmy and Tommy Jones came home from school to stalk her from 3 inches away.
FYI: My husband owns Van Heusen ties. And a few shirts too. However, I have never served him breakfast on my knees. Somewhere between 1950 and 2010 the Van Heusen threads lost some of their “magical” chauvinistic piggyness.
That’s right. But not just for cooking…for cleaning and looking cute too!
And finally, the crème de la crème, the pièce de résistance…incase all of that cleaning, serving, and cooking didn’t keep you satisfactorily trim and petite:
How can you turn down a promise that includes: “No diet, No baths, No exercise!” Yes, one might at first be repulsed that the solution is tape worms. But, come on people, they’re “sanitized” AND “jar-packed.” With your “friends for a fair form” there are “no ill effects” AND even better, “they’re EASY to swallow!” Problem solved. “Fat, the enemy that’s ruining your life…BANISHED!!!”
What’s the funniest old-school ad you’ve ever seen? These make me laugh so hard! We needed a good laugh tonight since it’s our last night with Betty Jane in town before she heads back to NY. Booo hoooo! It always goes so fast!
M C M I R A C L E 